If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny,… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
