Humorous Quotes · Page 52

We're not talking about a few rooms here with delicate personal matters involved.

— William J. Clinton

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.

— H. Jackson Brown, Jr

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

— Alan Coren

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

— Woody Allen

“I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.”

— E.A. Bucchianeri

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

— Flip Wilson

The less experienced a doctor is, the higher are his notions of professional dignity . . .

— Arthur Conan Doyle

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour: he will always use it in evidence against you.

— Herbert Beerbohm Tree

“Showing up underdressed is as smart as standing in the marketplace and shouting you've become an agent for the crown." "I'd hang…

— Lynn Viehl

“When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never…

— Spuds Crawford

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. . . Small, large, round, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings, extra cheese. . .

— Rick Sutter

In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department.…

— Scott Adams

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for…

— Groucho Marx

“Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: "Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie…

— Janet Evanovich

“This is like teaching queer remedial at the continuation high school. You were fishing, and you caught me . Don't you get…

— Z.A. Maxfield

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something…

— Joan Rivers

I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not on a professional football team…

— Bill Cosby

You have to find the tone of the piece and modulate that. There are ways to indicate that - I try to…

— Daniel Clowes

Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill…

— Charles Dickens

“Being a monk was the strangest and most perverted way of life imaginable. Monks spent half their lives putting themselves through pain…

— Ken Follett

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours…

— Erma Bombeck

The desire to express in an art form and to compose a tableau and vignette whether it's humorous, burlesque, or poetic comes…

— Elia Suleiman

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can…

— Groucho Marx

Many of the things that stifle growth are morally neutral. They're not bad things. Facebook is not bad. Television and movies are…

— Matt Chandler

When you get asked hundreds of questions, it's not possible to remember the answer to every one.

— William J. Clinton

I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety.

— Arthur Conan Doyle

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

— Anonymous

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

— Bob Hope

The person, be it lady or gentlemen who has not pleasure in a good book must be intoleranlty stupid.

— Jane Austen

“If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don't you just use your other hand?" ~ Gabi”

— Cherise Sinclair

“Lunar Eclipse doesn't that sound like a car you can only drive at night?”

— Stanley Victor Paskavich

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

— Charles Dickens

“An oldtimer is a person who's had many interesting experiences, some of them true.”

— Bob Gilluly

I'm pushing 60 years of age...and that's enough exercise for me.

— Mark Twain

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

— George Carlin

“There's a place for farts, and there's a place for sharts.”

— Hanako Stephens

“Writers cleave together like a demonic AA group - we are singularly able to dance with each other's devils...”

— Jd Young

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

— Bob Hope

One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being…

— Thomas Reed

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

— Ambrose Bierce