“Not a week after Annie put her foot in Mrs. Huffmaster's duff, the Captain upped and laid down the date.” — James McBride Copy Share Image
I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.” — Evangeline Anderson Copy Share Image
“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“I made a candle out of earwax so I could listen better in the dark.” — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
“There shouldn't ever be a gas shortage in our world...when so many people are full of it!” — Timothy Pina Copy Share Image
Karla Jay's intimate account of life in the early years of feminism and gay liberation is as irresistible as a novel, but… — Gloria Steinem Copy Share Image
I've never done stand-up; I came via small-scale touring theatre, through the Royal Shakespeare Company, the National Theatre, then I got employed… — Mark Williams Copy Share Image
Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the… — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They (Americans) have their national game, baseball - which is cricket played with a strong American accent - and they have a… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
“This shows that the ordinary person is wanting more for their lives. They want to be of help, they want to make… — Linda Armstrong Copy Share Image
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers… — Clive James Copy Share Image
“He was not a tall man, but he was wide. His face was the color and texture of old leather boots, and… — Grahame Shannon Copy Share Image
... I think that I was too self-centered to ever develop good skills as a peacemaker. In my younger days, I assumed… — Cory Doctorow Copy Share Image
“What chilled my blood was a felt marker outline of a woman on the wall. Hands above the head, where there was… — Grahame Shannon Copy Share Image
“Goodness, that stuff rips like paper,” she exclaimed, reaching to pull her tank top off. She was halfway through the action when… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“You’ve got to give the door something?’ ‘Yes,’ said Dumbledore. ‘Blood, if I am not much mistaken.’ ‘Blood?’ ‘I said it was… — J. K. Rowling Copy Share Image
THE NAME OF THE WIND has everything fantasy readers like, magic and mysteries and ancient evil, but it's also humorous and terrifying… — Tad Williams Copy Share Image
Most of my artwork is geared towards being humorous in some light. — Frances Bean Cobain Copy Share Image
I love humorous games. I love to laugh, and I think it's a really great way to attract players. — Kim Swift Copy Share Image
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Mr. Starr, have you no shame? Facts and law are always subordinated to the will of the American people. — William H. Ginsburg Copy Share Image
“Every time you smoke a cigarette, God takes an hour off your life and gives it to Keith Richards” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Tears are kind of like urine. There's only so long you can hold them in.” — Julie Buxbaum Copy Share Image
“Emma was doing something nice for Simon? Hell must be enjoying the snow day.” — E.J. Stevens Copy Share Image
You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress. — Jerry Springer Copy Share Image
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If at first you don't succeed, try to eat a big lunch and take a nap...er wait, no... #badadvice” — Jayce O'Neal Copy Share Image
“She batted those eyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.” — Maddie Dawson Copy Share Image
“Oh, we're playing nice now? Shall we have tea first? Brew up a nice pot of kiss-my-ass?” — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
“Sorry. Sometimes my mouth engages before making contact with my brain.” — Jayson James Copy Share Image
In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state. — George Mikes Copy Share Image
There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
