“Who’d have thought your screwball brother could have gone so serial-killer fucktwat insane?” — Larissa Ione Copy Share Image
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.) — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you wish to compare, compare yourself with God's commandment.” — Lailah Gifty Akita Copy Share Image
The most ethical administration in the history of the Republic. — William J. Clinton Copy Share Image
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your… — Bjarne Stroustrup Copy Share Image
“It wasn't a lie, not at all like one of those lies she told herself all the time, like This is the… — Melissa de la Cruz Copy Share Image
“T. Wiggett Jones: It should be illegal...to feel this rotten...without a variety of loathsome memories to cherish. Wild Wild West (TV) First… — Michael Garrison Copy Share Image
“The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Give a man a beer, the remote and a La-Z-Boy and he’s a happy camper! All Things Caveman humor cartoon book will… — Laurie Foxx Copy Share Image
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Oh crap! Someone is asking me to quote myself. Why don't they just ask me to drink acid and run naked into… — Elizabeth Anglin Copy Share Image
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
She could not have gazed at him with a more rapturous intensity if she had been a small child and he a… — P. G. Wodehouse Copy Share Image
Perhaps I should have pointed out more often that without her (mother's) guidance and example I might have gone straight from short… — Clive James Copy Share Image
“For a time he read his Neil Diamond bible by the firelight. He paused, twisting nervously at his goatee, considering the law… — Joe Hill Copy Share Image
“The Pepto?” I asked. “The Pepto,” he sighed and read the label. “Yes, the Pepto. This, yes. The candies. They’re in here.… — Chase Webster Copy Share Image
“Millions of business people are each constantly forced to choose between their desire to not be a bad person and their desire… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“He dragged me back - just in time. A tree had crashed down on to the side walk, just missing us. Poirot… — Agatha Christie Copy Share Image
“What would you tell her about me?” He did not just ask that. “You did not just ask that.” She chuckled. “I’m… — Leigh LaValle Copy Share Image
When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. — Joey Adams Copy Share Image
How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones? — Samuel Beckett Copy Share Image
Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. — Harvey Kurtzman Copy Share Image
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. — Dennis Roch Copy Share Image
“Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over." He raised an eyebrow. "That could be easily arranged.” — Aimee Carter Copy Share Image
“Sell your book like a can of beans & your readers will place the same value on it.” — Stuart Aken Copy Share Image
A humorous quotation is a little window on the world that gives life a comic twist. — Gyles Brandreth Copy Share Image
Anybody who knows me knows that half the time I'm saying things with a somewhat humorous overtone. — Roger Ailes Copy Share Image
Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again. — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to. — George Burns Copy Share Image
I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous. — Bahman Ghobadi Copy Share Image
“Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown” — Candace Mumford Copy Share Image
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. — Doug Larson Copy Share Image
