Humorous Quotes · Page 39

I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.

— Al Forman

“We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I always say, 'Thank goodness 'Wimpy Kid' was a comedy because my singing in that was more humorous than professional.'

— Devon Bostick

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

— John Candy

“[Like they say,] small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.”

— Dave Courtney

“Jack's doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it's the Voices who are crazy, not him.”

— Jennifer Daydreamer

“When you want something done, you ask a man. When you want it done quietly and without any fuss, you ask a…

— Mercedes Lackey

In the majority of cases, conscience is an elastic and very flexible article

— Charles Dickens

“Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the…

— Guillermo del Toro

“I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before…

— Joshua Donellan

A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the…

— Raymond Simard

Well, I'm a bacteriologist, you know. I live in a nine-hundred-diameter microscope. I can hardly claim to take serious notice of anything…

— Arthur Conan Doyle

The first time I passed through the country (Switzerland) I had the impression it was swept down with a broom from one…

— Ernesto Sabato

“The worst imaginable thing happens to our protagonists: they have a son who grows up to become Dennis Hopper. (“Giantess”)”

— Rebecca Solnit

“She stops chewing and brings the chains on her wrist up to her nose and sniffs. She pulls away with a mild…

— J.A. Redmerski

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live…

— Woody Allen

In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a…

— Mike Harding

Humor is really one of the hardest things to define, very hard. And it's very ambiguous. You have it or you don't.…

— Heinrich Böll

“One of the fundamental axioms of masculine self-regard is that the tools and appurtenances of a man's life must be containable within…

— Michael Chabon

“I’ll say, G’day to you, Mr. Ryan!” Catherine said as she quickly closed the door in his face. “Oh, the arrogance,” she…

— Diane Merrill Wigginton

“How's the blood-stream, my dear, invaluable little woman? How's the blood-stream?"... "It's quite comfortable, sir...I think, sir, thank you."... "Aha!"..."a comfortable stream,…

— Mervyn Peake

Something about the possession of a book - an object that can contain infinite fables, words of wisdom, chronicles of times gone…

— Alberto Manguel

Throughout my career, I've always portrayed characters that were humorous, but also weren't afraid to speak their minds, especially when it came…

— Betty White

“No, my eldest brother. He was named after our father. Our parents died when the Romans first invaded, and Stephano then became…

— Lynsay Sands

That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one.

— Samuel Johnson

I'd have made you breakfast in bed if you'd taught me how to cook.

— Anonymous

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

— Erma Bombeck

“This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.”

— Janet Mullany

People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

— Stephen Covey

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

— Anonymous

The Americans are extremely gadget minded people and American gadgets have a peculiar characteristic: they work.

— George Mikes

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"...

— Joan Rivers

“Time flies when you're falling down"...(not from a book, it's a lyric)”

— Courtney Love

Fathers should teach their sons how to earn money because mothers teach their daughters how to spend it.

— Vikrant Parsai

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

— Norman Wisdom

“If you can't beat them and don't care to join them, Then " FU*K THEM".”

— Katraina L Flowers

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

— George Carlin

All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought

— Robert Breault

“True...I hear voices in my head keep talking to me. The good thing for now is...I never answer them back.”

— Timothy Pina

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.

— Rich Hall