“If a UFO did land, and invite me onboard, I'd love to have the balls to go in. So, I search the… — Kelli Jae Baeli Copy Share Image
Comedy deflates the sense precisely so that the underlying lubricity and malice may bubble to the surface. — Paul Goodman Copy Share Image
“Soy cappuccino,’ I growled, while doing as instructed. ‘I should have known you were evil.” — Maria Lewis Copy Share Image
“I'll just stay ten feet away from him at all times so I don't accidentally trip and fall and land lips first… — J.L. McCoy Copy Share Image
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it. — Bo Burnham Copy Share Image
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
We need more intellect and humor back on television, instead of the lowest common denominator of comedy - like the fart joke! — Eddie Griffin Copy Share Image
For me, a good comedy town is filled with people on the verge of a riot. They need something to relieve the… — Jim Norton Copy Share Image
“I used to think that if I could talk to the spirit world, I'd get some answers. Ha bloody ha. I wish… — Eden Robinson Copy Share Image
I've never really been a big fan of comedy songs, frankly. I think I enjoy the emotional payoff that the best music… — Keith Murray Copy Share Image
“We're still going to Loggerhead this afternoon, right?” Hi glanced around, then dropped his voice. “For that...home movie thing?” I nodded. “We… — Kathy Reichs Copy Share Image
A friend once asked me what comedy was. That floored me. What is comedy? I don't know. Does anybody? Can you define… — Stan Laurel Copy Share Image
“I personally have my own idea of an efficient house. It would be totally concrete with a big drain in the middle,… — Colleen Down Copy Share Image
“[On getting older]: You can witness young people embarrassing themselves and get a thrill--that it's not you. You can watch them throw… — Amy Poehler Copy Share Image
“He stepped back, cursing. "Hey, haven't you heard of the First Amendment? You jerk!" The security guard, still gunning like a mad… — Catherine Coulter Copy Share Image
“I had received a t-shirt from my best friend Veronica at my police academy graduation. It reads, ‘Throw your donut in the… — Suzie Ivy Copy Share Image
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
“I hate nothing more then being angry and outside. It always feels like I lost an argument and was kicked out of… — Larry Gent Copy Share Image
“I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.” — E.L. James Copy Share Image
“There were no books in the Afterwards, which the people thought was some serious bullshit.” — Amber Sparks Copy Share Image
“Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen. ” — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold." — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
“Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so...twat-ish just then.” — Red Tash Copy Share Image
“Patience is just a thoughtful excuse for those too lazy to take action.” — Author Unknown Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t help but smile. “If I wanted to take Finch out, I’d just tell him Prada went out of business, and… — Jamie McGuire Copy Share Image
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is… — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
“Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference)” — Greg Campbell Copy Share Image
I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved those… — Mick Foley Copy Share Image
Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest. — Andy Kindler Copy Share Image
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as… — George Burns Copy Share Image
It started with '80s horror movies. I also love 'The Ren & Stimpy Show.' I was also really into art when I… — Sarah Sherman Copy Share Image
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, you're a tool. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I'm not saying I was scared. Okay, I was scared. He had an MP5. I had a Nikon.” — Joel C. Rosenberg Copy Share Image
“Aw, fuck me," she muttered. "Love to doll, but I'm sort of numb from the waist down," he said. "Can I take… — Leia Shaw Copy Share Image
“What I know now is that gallant young men rarely get pussy. Put it on a sampler and hang it in your… — Stephen King Copy Share Image
“Fortunately for Alan’s sake, Frank preferred beauty over age so I had no need to defend my territory.” — Nicole Castle Copy Share Image
“I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.” — Leo Durocher Copy Share Image
“Hell, any plan that added "and then we pray" is not a trip to Disneyland.” — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
![“[On getting older]: You can witness young people embarrassing themselves and get a thrill--that it's not you. You can watch them throw around their "always"es and their "nevers" and "I'm the kind of person who..." and delight in the fact that you're past that point in your life. Feeling invisible…” quote by Amy Poehler](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/08b/amy-poehler-1084_adventure_on-getting-older-you-can-witness-young-p_130766.jpg)
