Calvin Trillin

I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.

— Calvin Trillin

Why in the world are you a Republican?

— Calvin Trillin

Health food makes me sick.

— Calvin Trillin

There's always a source for humor.

— Calvin Trillin

The price of purity is purists.

— Calvin Trillin

Getting a tattoo would probably make me cry.

— Calvin Trillin

Everybody is who he was in high school.

— Calvin Trillin

Irving Wallace family - they have preservatives.

— Calvin Trillin

It was a given in our family that my father was a grocer so that I wouldn't have to be.

— Calvin Trillin

“your children are either the center of your life or they’re not, and the rest is commentary”

— Calvin Trillin

The margin of error in astrology is plus or minus one hundred percent.

— Calvin Trillin

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

— Calvin Trillin

If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?

— Calvin Trillin

I'm more disturbed when people expect me to be serious.

— Calvin Trillin

“She believed in the principle of enoughness." from "About Alice”

— Calvin Trillin

“Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?”

— Calvin Trillin

“She wanted to protect us from worry, from sadness, from loneliness--things her parents had not been able to protect her from. (About…

— Calvin Trillin

A new regulation for the publishing industry: "The advance for a book must be larger than the check for the lunch at…

— Calvin Trillin

The ceiling on taxation of capital gains reflects the national belief that speculation is a more worthwhile way to make a living…

— Calvin Trillin

Money not spent on a luxury one considered even briefly is the equivalent of windfall income and should be spent accordingly.

— Calvin Trillin

There is a theory that sooner or later anything in America that is any fun at all will be ruined by people…

— Calvin Trillin

Keeping off a large weight loss is a phenomenon about as common in American medicine as an impoverished dermatologist.

— Calvin Trillin

“I am firmly committed to the proposition that whoever is in power is exceedingly silly… And that goes for the opposition as…

— Calvin Trillin

One advantage of a monarchy is that a monarchy does not suffer the effects of having great clots of white Christians moping…

— Calvin Trillin

Everything was blamed on Castro. Mudslides in California. The fact that you can't buy a decent tomato anymore. Was there an exceptionally…

— Calvin Trillin

Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the…

— Calvin Trillin

Given the clientele, the restaurants on Capri might resemble those fancy Northern Italian places on the East Side of Manhattan where the…

— Calvin Trillin

The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed…

— Calvin Trillin

As part of my research for An Anthology of Authors' Atrocity Stories About Publishers, I conducted a study (employing my usual controls)…

— Calvin Trillin

I suppose that there are endeavors in which self-confidence is even more important than it is in writing -- tightrope walking comes…

— Calvin Trillin

Fairs are good places to eat, particularly for stand-up eaters--which is one of the kinds of eaters I am, although when I…

— Calvin Trillin

I suppose it's possible that the Sundance Kid didn't like to make much of his birthdays — they may have struck him…

— Calvin Trillin

“Going out? Are you going out? He's not going out? What do you mean he's not going out? Are you out here…

— Calvin Trillin

The talk shows are stuffed full of sufferers who have regained their health--congressmen who suffered through a serious spell of boozing and…

— Calvin Trillin

I do remember in high school I wanted to be a disc jockey.

— Calvin Trillin

I like chili, but not enough to discuss it with someone from Texas.

— Calvin Trillin

Perhaps we've time to have a look at the Number Thirty-One bus queue before we turn in.

— Calvin Trillin

The Banh Mi sandwich is really the only good argument for colonialism.

— Calvin Trillin

When it comes to rapacious 19th century capitalism, my family's hands are clean.

— Calvin Trillin

The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.

— Calvin Trillin