Hilarious Quotes · Page 14

“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.

— Amy Poehler

“You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of…

— Christopher Moore

Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then…

— Tao Lin

We now think it hilarious that medieval streets were used as open sewers. Equally, our descendants will say: 'You won't believe this,…

— Norman Foster

I've never thrown a javelin. What kind of sport is that? It's hilarious.

— Jay Chandrasekhar

Sometimes, when I feel like nobody understands me, it helps to think of you! Nobody understands you either.

— Anonymous

Is this chicken or is this fish?

— Jessica Simpson

I did a shoot for 'Sports Illustrated,' and my grandpa called me and asked when my issue of 'Playboy' was coming out.…

— Jasmine Tookes

Don't worry, I'm hilarious.

— Bo Burnham

Life is like an onion; you peel one layer off at a time and sometimes you weep.

— Carl Sandburg

Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.A bargain is something…

— Adi Da

“No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on…

— FayJay

You know its love when you want to keep holding hands even after youre sweaty.

— Anonymous

Life is like a cobweb, not an organizational chart.

— Ross Perot

I didn't actually have a prom. In Australia, we call them 'socials,' which is hilarious. I did always find them pretty awkward,…

— Robin McLeavy

The four most important words in any marriage...'Ill do the dishes.'

— Ritu Ghatourey

I'll stick to finding the funny in the ordinary because my life is pretty ordinary and so are the lives of my…

— Issa Rae

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

— Ashleigh Brilliant

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

— William Shakespeare

“Mr. Babcock pats my shoulder. He smiles, and the caterpillar mustache — the envy of state troopers everywhere, I'm sure — straightens…

— Libba Bray

“Shane waved a hand. “Please, we know that all it takes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and a…

— Stephani Hecht North's Complications

“Most unintelligent or foolish people do not regard themselves as that; they regard themselves as not-that-intelligent or not-that-wise.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder…

— George Eliot

You have to think outside the box! Can you imagine One Direction and Eminem?! That would be hilarious.

— Niall Horan