My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis, when she asked me what I was doing, apparently heating your dinner was… — Uknown Copy Share Image
The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I'd been involved with stand-up before improv, so I already thought highly of myself as being a funny person. I never thought… — Matt Besser Copy Share Image
I thought it would be really funny to find my way onto 'The Bachelorette' somehow and be the guy that is only… — John Wilson Copy Share Image
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at… — Marcel Achard Copy Share Image
“You have better luck than you think you do,” Cian said firmly. Turning back toward him, she said, “Yeah? Prove it?” You… — Rhiannon Frater Copy Share Image
A good neighbor sometimes cuts your morning up to mince-meat of the very smallest talk, then helps to sugar her bohea at… — Elizabeth Barrett Browning Copy Share Image
The good news is that even if your early crepes have funny lumps and bulges or aren't paper-thin, they're still gonna be… — J. Kenji Lopez-Alt Copy Share Image
I just developed my act way back in the late '80s. I went to college in Georgia, so I picked up the… — Larry the Cable Guy Copy Share Image
You tell me you love me, but Im not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
“Of course they were eaten,” he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. “Trolls generally aren’t exactly renowned for being vegetarians.” — Adele Rose Copy Share Image
If you have a son, you only have to worry about one penis. If you have a daughter, you have to worry… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“We walked on the moon. We made footprints somewhere no one else had ever made footprints, and unless someone comes and rubs… — Frank Cottrell Boyce Copy Share Image
When I was little playing all these tournaments, I was so professional already. My parents were like, 'Oh, my gosh, she's crazy.'… — Ajla Tomljanovic Copy Share Image
What a frustrating moment it is when you are busy writing a rather long but important articleand you find that your device… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
“Don’t get me wrong, we’re not the fucking Partridge family or anything. We don’t all go on picnics and hold hands.” — Neil Walker Copy Share Image
Until I was about 14, I was a fat boy, or at least I looked like a fat boy. I think that… — Pippa Evans Copy Share Image
“Rhiannon's Law #16: If it looks like a rabbit, and it hops like a rabbit, run the other way and fast. That… — J.A. Saare Copy Share Image
I am always acting, be at a party, at work or in office. My attitude changes from meeting to meeting, from being… — Karan Johar Copy Share Image
General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
No babies on this plane. I don't want to be the one crying & puking for the entire duration of the flight… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I was once in Delhi and one guy looked at me and shouted, 'kutiya, kutiya, kutiya' - it is a dialogue from… — Vishwajeet Pradhan Copy Share Image
“True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he… — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
Anne Wiazemsky wrote two books about her life with Jean-Luc Godard between 1966 and 1969. And I first read the second one,… — Michel Hazanavicius Copy Share Image
“Here.” He spread his legs wider and patted the floor between them. “You’ll be warmer, and I promise I won’t grope you… — Meg Maguire Copy Share Image
I think we're seeing in working mothers a change from "Thank God it's Friday" to "Thank God it's Monday." If any working… — Ann Diehl Copy Share Image
It's hilarious when school textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. 'Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem...' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
80 saal ka Buddha rape case me jail gaya. Dost:- Tune is umar me ye kiya kaise? Buddhha:- Koi rape nahi kiya.… — Sadie Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn".… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Hey, remember when you had acrush on _____ Wait. What. Pshh. No. That never happened. Why would you think that? Of course not. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I spend most of my days up to my elbows in someone’s chest cavity. Really, I know zip about music." He didn’t… — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
Ecology is often confused with environmentalism, while in fact, environmentalism often leaves out the fact that people, too, can be a legitimate… — Frank Herbert Copy Share Image
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you… — Steven Rubenstein Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
If at any point 'Carnage' became on paper preachy or annoying, we made sure something really funny was really near to that… — Simon Amstell Copy Share Image
Our life is like dancing training, at start we dont always know what we are doing but we keep moving till we… — Shubham Pal Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me... that's black... — Danielle O'Hara Copy Share Image
I think this is the funny thing about PWR BTTM that a lot of people don't realize at first, which is that… — Liv Bruce Copy Share Image
