Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself. — Alan Bennett Copy Share Image
It's a funny show. The characters are surprisingly likable, given how ugly they are. We've got this huge cast of characters that… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
“It's true. Goodfellow is monogamous. he's become a freak. A pervert. Depravity on the cloven hoof." "Or his balls fell off," suggested… — Rob Thurman Copy Share Image
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. .… — John Wayne Copy Share Image
“She takes out a piece of paper that looks like the list I gave her months ago. Smiling her Hayley smile, she… — Becca Ann Copy Share Image
You asked what is the secret of a really good sketch. And it is a sketch is a small play. It's got… — Harvey Korman Copy Share Image
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to… — Louie Anderson Copy Share Image
The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place. — Jimmy Durante Copy Share Image
“She tried to ignore that, this close to the man, he had the overpowering chemical scent of a manly shower gel. The… — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
Can someone's true value really be estimated? Maybe there needs to be an Edmunds.com for people on TV. That would be funny… — Derek Hough Copy Share Image
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
When life partner happens, I hope he is not a youth icon then because I doubt even I would be youthful then.… — Alia Bhatt Copy Share Image
'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out, I think, to be a really funny movie but… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
God showed me that He could and would replace everything that was missing in my life, but that nothing could replace Him… — Zig Ziglar Copy Share Image
Makeup can only make you look pretty on the outside but it doesnt help you if your ugly on the inside. Unless… — Audrey Hepburn Copy Share Image
“Her mouth set. "I've already lost one man I loved tonight. I will not lose the other." She glared at him. "And… — Patrick W. Carr Copy Share Image
Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
If I was an octopus, I would check my emails while I feed myself while I pick my nose while I masturbate… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Daemon!" Dee called from the kitchen. "I need your help!" "We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen."… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means... Justin, looking desperately at me:… — Gena Showalter Copy Share Image
“It's delicious,’ he announces, chewing my sandwich. 'I would like to stay here forever and die with you in my arms.' 'I… — Joanna Mazurkiewicz Copy Share Image
Home alone during the day:*dancing* FROM THE WINDOOOOOOOW TO THE WALLL!!! Home alone at night:*squeezes kitchen knife* WHO'STHERE?! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like… — Elisabeth Moss Copy Share Image
My grandparents would never admit to being Tasmanian, but I think it's really great and funny. But I guess, in the past,… — Jessie Cave Copy Share Image
Why?' He asked. 'Why what?' What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I'd like… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
No matter how hard you work to bring yourself up, there's someone out there working just as hard, to put you down… — Dr. Dre Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don't have to see the whole movie to get an impression of… — Lana Del Rey Copy Share Image
I think the best compliment you can receive is not, 'Oh, that was really funny,' but, 'Is that the first time you… — Erik Griffin Copy Share Image
“I snatched up the cardboard cup, plastered my lips to the plastic sippy-lid and sucked down a scalding hot mouthful. It burned,… — Ethan Day Copy Share Image
I can't tell you how many times I've had a friend tell me, in this tender and discreet voice, 'It's just you… — Devendra Banhart Copy Share Image
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription. — Malcolm Potts Copy Share Image
“I said: "All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
We must not confide in the armour of God, but in the God of this armour, because all our weapons are only… — William Gurnall Copy Share Image
My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to… — Henry A. Kissinger Copy Share Image
When it comes to a show like 'Stath,' I'm not writing it with any intention other than my natural instinct as a… — Jamie Demetriou Copy Share Image
