I don't know if the art of stand-up will survive. Stand-up seems dated. Now you can do a mini-movie or a short… — George Lopez Copy Share Image
Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
Spongebob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. *Guy opens the door* Patrick: I love you. ~Noelle¥ — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell… — Jack London Copy Share Image
A lot of times in comedy, and also in podcasting and television, there are different kinds of voices that can be celebrated.… — Phoebe Robinson Copy Share Image
If I simply live the principles that appear to be truth for me, I will touch the lives of those I am… — Marlo Morgan Copy Share Image
While you are not able to serve men, how can you serve spirits of the dead...While you do not know life, how… — Confucius Copy Share Image
I love anybody funny. I think my ten-year-old sister is really funny. She makes me laugh way more than most people do. — Chelsea Martin Copy Share Image
“I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn't know what to do in a… — Carrie Harris Copy Share Image
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
“Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
I love Halloween, it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Spider-Man and going home with… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Guests are people who come to your home to see you whine at the table, bark loudly, jump on women wearing pantyhose,… — Peg Kehret Copy Share Image
When I came out to Hollywood in 1985, I thought that I would be sitcom star. I'm a tall, skinny, goofy guy.… — Doug Jones Copy Share Image
“He texts back: I love you. I'm starting to text back, I love you, too, when my phone rings. It's Peter's house… — Jenny Han Copy Share Image
“What's that?" "He just fell from that tower!" "Is he dead?" "He's alive, I think." Someone bent over me. "Are you alive?"… — Liesl Shurtliff Copy Share Image
“I don’t think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn’t seem to make much… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
It's funny, I'm very analytical in my real life, but in terms of my films, I try to not analyze them at… — Noah Baumbach Copy Share Image
It's funny, because what happens to me when I read a script, when something grabs hold of me, I start getting these… — Johnny Depp Copy Share Image
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void… — Les Dawson Copy Share Image
If a condescending joke is truly funny, make yourself the subject- you will increase the number of people laughing by at least… — Joe Harsel Copy Share Image
“Although they probably know that some children were used and some children are used as miners, most adults are ignorant of the… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I'd love to become like Bill Murray, who was so funny on 'Saturday Night Live' and has gone on to do some… — Will Ferrell Copy Share Image
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games… — Norman Chad Copy Share Image
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply.… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
My friend said he didn't have time for Twitter like me, he has a job I replied shut the fuck up &… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Most beginners want to learn lead because they think it's cool .. consequently, they never really develop good rhythm skills .. since… — Eddie Van Halen Copy Share Image
Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not… — Lord Chesterfield Copy Share Image
“Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step… — Weston Locher Copy Share Image
I was once knocked out by a Mexican bantamweight - six of my pals were swinging him around by his heels at… — Randall Cobb Copy Share Image
One measure of a civilization, either of an age or of a single individual, is what that age or person really wishes… — Ezra Pound Copy Share Image
If couples who are in love are called 'love birds', then couples who always argue should be called 'angry birds.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When you're having the best dream ever and wake up, does anyone else ever try to fall back asleep to finish the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“In the past five minutes, I had managed to tease my libido, scald my crotch, and catch a world-class elbow with my… — B. Justin Shier Copy Share Image
They're great girls. They're very funny, they're very smart, they're fun to be with. They're very lively, as I think people can… — Laura Bush Copy Share Image
I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
