And then all of a sudden, you're doing jumping jacks, you're happy, because Kane can talk. The Big Red Retard can finally… — Dwayne Johnson Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or… — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
Had a weird dream last night that I murdered 4 people who unfollowed me on twitter. But woke up relieved to find… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick. — Murray Walker Copy Share Image
“At least you left out the oh-my-God sauce this time." "Made myself a batch with it," Shane said. "It's got the biohazard… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
“As a youth I got my jollies by confronting my professors with facts that ran completely contrary to what they were trying… — Lia Habel Copy Share Image
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because… — Dave Navarro Copy Share Image
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It just seems to me that there's no particular reason comedy albums should be dead. There's a lot to laugh at. We… — Eric Idle Copy Share Image
I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be… — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
“Eros mumbled something. "I'm sorry?" said Aphrodite. "Whatwouldjesusdo." "What would Jesus do?" said Aphrodite. "Let me tell you something. Jesus was a… — Marie Phillips Copy Share Image
“Excuse me for a moment, will ye. I think I have to talk to the river,' he said unsteadily and flopped over… — Ian Livingstone Copy Share Image
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's His Name? We live… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Deciding on the right thing to do in a situation is a bit like deciding on the right thing to wear to… — Lemony Snicket Copy Share Image
Relationships are like yard sales, they look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but then you realize its just a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become.… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
In real life I'm shy sometimes, sometimes I'm romantic, sometimes I can be funny, so it's great to be doing different kinds… — Tahir Raj Bhasin Copy Share Image
“He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Good, because if the guy isn't making you walk funny after sex, then probably isn't anything to write home to mom about.” — J. Lynn Copy Share Image
“Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?" "Yeah, that's a definite possibility," he agreed. "What if he's not your… — Con Riley Copy Share Image
Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it's not funny, they'll let you know. — Jo Koy Copy Share Image
My dad never really wrote what he thought. None of his inner rage and darkness and problems, which we all have, made… — Giles Coren Copy Share Image
In every group of friends theres always one idiot, if your thinking we haven't got an idiot friend then it's probably you!! — Dave Mensah Copy Share Image
When I grow up I want to be just like my dog. Walking around fucking bitches... then when I get bored, I… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Maybe they're not surrendering," said the smirking soldier in false consolation. "Maybe they all just really had to piss.” — Laini Taylor Copy Share Image
Life is Funny. You're here ready to die for someone who doesn't care about you and there's someone out there ready to… — Terry Mark Copy Share Image
I wasn't a class clown, I just found at an early age that I was able to make people laugh. So I… — Alan Zweibel Copy Share Image
The funny thing is that I used to be a blogger, but it wasn't known as 'blogging' at that time. This was… — Om Malik Copy Share Image
“She reached the powder room and shut the door behind her, jumping in fright at the sight that met her gaze in… — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Before I was married I learned the difference between a cheap and expensive wine after I was married I learned to drink… — Paul Smith Copy Share Image
If you accept failure, then you can improve on it. It's funny though, because, on the flip side of the coin, I'd… — Subhash Chandra Copy Share Image
“So what, then? Pete? Clyde?" Cabel rolls over, pretending to sleep. "It's Fred, isn't it?" "Janie. Stop." "You named your thing Janie?"… — Lisa McMann Copy Share Image
I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I… — Ash Sweeney Copy Share Image
Woman say:I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. Woman means:I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“It was his wife we objected to. Her name was Leda, but he called her Tip. She was very small and her… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
L'on a beau se cacher a' soi-me" me, l'on aime toujours. We vainly conceal from ourselves the fact that we are always… — Blaise Pascal Copy Share Image
You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
![“Deciding on the right thing to do in a situation is a bit like deciding on the right thing to wear to a party. [...] The truth is that you can never be sure if you have decided on the right thing until the party is over, and by then it is too late to go back and change your mind, which is why the…” quote by Lemony Snicket](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/fd4/lemony-snicket-663_funny_deciding-on-the-right-thing-to-do-in-a-s_719897.jpg)
![“He executed his commission with great promptitude and dispatch, only calling at one public-house for half a minute, and even that might be said to be in his way, for he went in at one door and came out at the other[.]” quote by Charles Dickens](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/527/charles-dickens-34_alcoholic_he-executed-his-commission-with-great-pr_935715.jpg)
