The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
With freestyling it's not about "Say something funny!" That has nothing to do with it. It's about becoming quicker on your feet… — Doseone Copy Share Image
Whenever I see my cat staring out the window I sit behind him and whisper, look Simba, everything the light touches is… — Alex Telman Copy Share Image
“As is perhaps obvious, Morris Zapp had no great esteem for his fellow-labourers in the vineyards of literature. They seemed to him… — David Lodge Copy Share Image
I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I… — Christopher Walken Copy Share Image
It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
When I was in New York, I got to see Joan Rivers do an hour of material, and it blew my mind.… — Chelsea Peretti Copy Share Image
Gas so high...im just start dating females in my zip code...so if we dont stay in the same zip code...we gotta long… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
I don't know where we're going or how we'll get there, but when we get there we'll be there - and that's… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
Billy is a funny, cheeky, lovely boy and I love being with him. Parenthood is terrifying though. I can barely walk past… — Rufus Sewell Copy Share Image
There are very funny people who aren't good at Twitter and people who are really good on Twitter where that's the best… — Josh Gondelman Copy Share Image
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
“You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list.” I shook out… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
“Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and… — Erin McCarthy Copy Share Image
“My second thought was to fire a gunshot, but the last time I did that his security robots jumped me. It only… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for… — Peter Ustinov Copy Share Image
Girls, Don't worry if you're good looking or not, don't complain ifyou're fat or skinny, don't just focus on your physical appearance,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some… — Junot Díaz Copy Share Image
When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin.… — J. P. Donleavy Copy Share Image
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Being hungry and going to a fancy-gourmet restaurant is like being horny and going to a strip club. You are going to… — Brian Skynet Copy Share Image
A lot of people know Dad the musician. We've always known him as Dad - who could be corny, funny, serious at… — Cedella Marley Copy Share Image
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments… — Jim Harrison Copy Share Image
I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what… — Jeff Dunham Copy Share Image
“She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
It's kind of low brow, but the show 'Bob's Burgers' is hilarious, and being from the Midwest, I can kind of relate… — Gracie Gold Copy Share Image
“Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
I love to swim. When I jump in the water, I feel like I'm 12 years old again. It's really funny how… — Summer Sanders Copy Share Image
She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The author looms above his page and thinks it strange that at his age he cannot find the proper words to describe… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
At home, he's a 100-percent softie; that's who he is. I just blew his cover. When Howard has a really stressful day… — Beth Ostrosky Stern Copy Share Image
Why am I researching if 1 antique gun should be excluded when my 'client' was caught with 3 other unregistered, newer guns? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last… — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
You've only got to be in public life for about a week before you start to question if the newspapers are even… — Jonathan Lynn Copy Share Image
I'm in the public eye, so I don't care who knows what I get done. If I see something sagging, dragging, or… — Dolly Parton Copy Share Image
“Get him now?" Duncan asked. He looked at the sword in his hand. Unsure of what he should do, he tossed the… — Christopher Healy Copy Share Image
Optimism isnt funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. Its exaggeration. — Steve Toltz Copy Share Image
“She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
