I try to tweet, but I still haven't gotten into the rhythm as much as some people who have, like, 20,000 tweets.… — Sam Richardson Copy Share Image
“You know, If you weren't tiny, cute and remarkably innocent looking I'd be running away right now. This feels like the set-up… — Stephanie Perkins Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, SUCCESSFUL, is best assured when, instead of looking at each other, the two look out in the same direction; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
This is getting so weird.. Whom I liked and loved are either married,engaged,interested but emotionally damaged,has kid,not in the mood, and a… — Jaseem Kapoor Copy Share Image
I have a spaniel that defrocked a nun last week. He took hold of the cord. I had hold of the leash.… — E. B. White Copy Share Image
I think it's funny, if you look at Brian Cage, the guy calls himself 'The Machine.' 265 lbs and spends a lot… — Austin Aries Copy Share Image
My routine isn't so much dreaming up the comedy as just seeing what happens to me. I seem to be leading a… — John Pinette Copy Share Image
All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
I'm not old, I woke up, I lifted my arms, I moved my knees, I turned my neck... Everything made the same… — Bernajoy Vaal Copy Share Image
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: lets see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
School is pointless. English: We speak it. History: They're dead. Math: We have calculators. Spanish: We have Dora. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“Bind Merrimoth," he finally said, "and I'll do that think you like later." "It's not like my power reacts to the reward… — Jenn Bennett Copy Share Image
“I will accompany you,' Cardan says, rising. I open my mouth to explain all the reasons that he can't go. The problem… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
I think it's so funny because straight people just don't think about gender in their songs, or making a statement by talking… — King Princess Copy Share Image
At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Meg, what I'm about to do - never, ever try this on your own." I felt a bit silly giving this advice… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
“That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Yesterday I decided it would be funny to cut in to a box of Christmas crackers and take out all the original… — Ryan Swain Copy Share Image
I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
A lot of the tabloid stories are written so well, they're very clever and very funny. But you have to focus on… — Calista Flockhart Copy Share Image
Everyone says comedy is really hard, but with 'The Office' the naturalism was everything so it didn't feel like doing comedy; it… — Ralph Ineson Copy Share Image
“Jonquil went by with a full plate of food, and Petunia reached out and tried to snag a small cream puff from… — Jessica Day George Copy Share Image
“Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back… — Alex Flinn Copy Share Image
If, sir, men were all virtuous, I should with great alacrity teach them all to fly. But what would be the security… — Samuel Johnson Copy Share Image
“Cabel flicks his fingers at her, spraying her with water. Grinning. "Sure. I think I'm pretty lucky. I bet blind people have… — Lisa McMann Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Every since it started snowing, my little brother has been looking through the window, guess it's high time I let him inside — Avalon Copy Share Image
“So this is the “smug idiot thinks he’s funny” face, Kami observed. Not to be confused with other “smug idiot” variants. And… — Sarah Rees Brennan Copy Share Image
I like them all-pointers, setters, retrievers, spaniels-what have you. I've had good ones and bad of several kinds. Most of the bad… — Gene Hill Copy Share Image
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't look at certain things on TV anymore. I don't listen to certain music anymore. I make sure my kids don't… — Ginuwine Copy Share Image
“You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied,… — Dianne F. Gray Copy Share Image
“You thought I didn’t notice the way you two looked at each other? I may be old but I’m not blind. I… — Nicola Marsh Copy Share Image
First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Humpty Dumpty f@ked a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor, all the kings horses and all the kings men, laid… — Ronnie Copy Share Image
“Check that - I've found the end. Nick, please be kind enough to withdraw your head to a reasonable distance from my… — Mark Frost Copy Share Image
I always find it actually funny that the analysis is that the characters I play in comedies are the manchild, the adolescent,… — Will Ferrell Copy Share Image
