Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat… — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
A Baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3AM. And you're homealone, and you… — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
“Did it ever occur to either of you that maybe MAC doesn't need protecting? That maybe MAC finds your he-man acts both… — Kathleen Peacock Copy Share Image
There was something in my brain when it came to exercising - my stomach would churn, my heart would go and beat… — Gemma Collins Copy Share Image
“It's been going on for days now! On and on and on for days! If I hear one more sexual-chemistry-charged and mutually… — Dave Stone Copy Share Image
The thing is, I am addicted to social media. I can while away hours scrolling through posts and pictures, wallowing in the… — Susanna Reid Copy Share Image
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We've all seen comedians look like they're reaching just a little bit too much for the laugh. This is counterproductive. The conceit… — Romesh Ranganathan Copy Share Image
I worked with Tyler before on 'Daddy's Little Girls'. He couldn't be smarter or more laid back and cool. He's always throwing… — Craig Robinson Copy Share Image
“Most human beings strongly believe that money is way less important than the life of a human being, but in reality five… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant… — Eleanor Roosevelt Copy Share Image
If you're a person who says Only God can judge me on a regular basis, people are actually judging you a lot… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Stupid rock gods! Leo yelled from the helm. Thats the third time Ive had to replace that mast! You think they grow… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Zulus Are No Different With Chinese When It Comes To Fighting. They Love Showing Off Their Skills And Talking Too Much Before… — Lekoma Precious Napo Copy Share Image
“Do you want a cookie? - What? - A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one? - No. - How can… — Nicholas Sparks Copy Share Image
My sweet wife getting so upset watching Sunny Leone. Guess I should stop masturbating and see what's wrong with her. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“We are the conductors of the beauty of the orchestra of our inner lives. Keep a Händel on it and don't hold… — Tom Althouse Copy Share Image
I've never met a funny person who wasn't smart. I've met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I've never… — Rob Lowe Copy Share Image
“Her descriptions will be incandescent, perfect little nuggets of phraseology, and there will probably be lots of sex in her writing -… — Susan Breen Copy Share Image
Odds on meeting a single man: 1 in 23; a cute, single man: 1 in 429; a cute, single, smart man, 1… — Lorna Adler Copy Share Image
I hate teachers that think they are smart… Can I go to the bathroom...? I don't know can you? Girl I will… — Serenity Karma Copy Share Image
I remember people saying: 'You look funny, your hair is so black, you have a flat nose,' but I didn't think of… — Sadie Jones Copy Share Image
There's a difference between having a game show host and having a personality as a game show host - somebody that you… — Deon Cole Copy Share Image
OK think of a number. Add 12 to the number. Subtract 2. Divide that number by 5. Add 20. Did you get 12? Neither did I. — Paige Carter Copy Share Image
Having nine brothers and sisters, you have to stand out. In order to get on the stage with me and Shawn and… — Damon Wayans Copy Share Image
Everything that can be thought at all can be thought clearly. Everything that can be said can be said clearly. Ludwig Wittgenstein — Ludwig Wittgenstein Copy Share Image
The Comrade Wolf knows whom to eat, as the saying goes. It knows whom to eat and is not about to listen… — Vladimir Putin Copy Share Image
In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is… — Trey Parker Copy Share Image
I look out at the stadiums full of people and see them all knowing the words to songs I wrote. And curling… — Taylor Swift Copy Share Image
“Green Lantern: "What are your powers anyway? You can't fly." Batman: "No." Green Lantern: "Super-strength?" Batman: "No." Green Lantern: "Hold on a… — Geoff Johns Copy Share Image
“Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.' Stark~ 'If you turn… — P.C. Cast &Kristin Cast Copy Share Image
“His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; "I shall… — Alison Weir Copy Share Image
I blame Beauty and the Beast for giving ugly kids confidence & tricking them into thinking that beauty is found on the inside. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
WOMAN is the most harmless, self-controlled, well-mannered, undisturbed, non-violent human being…until her nail polish gets dried. — Asli Copy Share Image
It is therefore correct to say that the senses do not err — not because they always judge rightly, but because they… — Immanuel Kant Copy Share Image
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Shit,” Seth grunts. “Maybe he does have a magic dick.” Jackson snickers, but I don’t find it funny at all. Not in… — Skyla Madi Copy Share Image
