I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. — Caryn Leschen Copy Share Image
When you locate a bargain, you must ask, 'Why me, God? Why am I the only one who could find this bargain?' — Charlie Munger Copy Share Image
The eternal world and the mortal world are not parallel, rather they are fused. — John O'Donohue Copy Share Image
Dear pimples, if you are going to live on my face, I am going to need to see some rent... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think. — Benjamin Disraeli Copy Share Image
There's a deep fly ball... Winfield goes back, back... his head hits the wall ... it's rolling towards second base. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“You’re stupid. First of all, I need for you to know that.” “Uhhh, thanks?” “That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever… — Heather M. Orgeron Copy Share Image
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got… — Anthony Griffin Copy Share Image
Seeing beach residents refuse to evacuate makes me feel better about the array of terrible decisions I've made this year. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I remember when I was younger and seeing guys like The Rock cut these promos telling the world how terrible they are.… — Wade Barrett Copy Share Image
I hear that I'm funny, and I think I'm funny, but I go in all the time for multicam, and they say… — Kirby Bliss Blanton Copy Share Image
Why do we shrink from change? What can come into being save by change? — Marcus Aurelius Copy Share Image
When you're free from the idea of doership then something else within you emerges. It is yourself. — Phylicia Rashad Copy Share Image
Advice is like castor oil — easy enough to give but dreadful hard to take. — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know you can't always see when you're right. — Billy Joel Copy Share Image
Animals talking are very rarely funny. But animals behaving as animals - always funny. — Adam McKay Copy Share Image
Spend at least as much time researching a stock as you would choosing a refrigerator. — Peter Lynch Copy Share Image
But there's a bigger trend I'm seeing: people who used to enjoy blogging their lives are now moving to Twitter. — Robert Scoble Copy Share Image
Federal and state laws (should) be changed to no longer make it a crime to possess marijuana for private use. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everyone has a price, the important thing is to find out what it is. — Pablo Escobar Copy Share Image
I wondered whether any woman could be happy with a man who says 'folderol'. — Peter De Vries Copy Share Image
If a guy only wants you for your legs , thighs , or breasts , don't date him , give him directions to KFC . — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Hate when I get drunk at a bar and hot chicks waste the opportunity to take sexual advantage of me. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I'm not scared of it. I'm not shy of it or afraid of it. It's just funny to think of me as… — Trea Turner Copy Share Image
Yet what are all such gaieties to me whose thoughts are full of indices and surds? — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
Never be in a relationship if you still have a single person's mentality — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“i think that i was a rat in rat wheel in my previous life... can not forget the habit” — Hiroko Sakai Copy Share Image
When you try to be different, you are being like everyone else. Being yourself is what makes you different. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Remember to let yourself relax this Labor Day before letting yourself go this winter. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Working with others makes us much more than we could ever become alone — John Wooden Copy Share Image
Anti-depressan ts Controlling tools of your system Making life more tolerable Making life more tolerable — Serj Tankian Copy Share Image
