“I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me.” — Karen Chance Copy Share Image
Many things can make you rich, but only a few things can enrich you. — Robert G. Allen Copy Share Image
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why do I always have nonstop sneezes in the wrong place at the wrong time..? WHY???? — Sachithra Copy Share Image
Christmas: The only time of the year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out… — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
I love making friends. I usually prefer to make them out of plaster and give them funny looking hats. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Normal Person Flirting: Hey, baby what's going on? Me Flirting: Your face. I like that. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I once made love to a female clown, and she twisted my penis into a poodle. — Dan Whitney Copy Share Image
One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
What I think is funny is when people, despite tragic situations, are still hopeful, still trying. It's sweet and sad - and,… — Casey Wilson Copy Share Image
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“They say watch the breathing, watch the diet and for God’s sake make that kid go quiet. But they never say: “I… — Mircea Popister Copy Share Image
“My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
Nine out of 10 times these guys will hit it-they'll be on something incredibly funny, but one out of 10, two out… — Peter Farrelly Copy Share Image
1,2 the stalker is coming for you. 3,4 better block that whore. 5,6 she's a creeping bitch. 7,8 ain't sure if she straight. 9,10 she's stalking again. — Brii Ann Copy Share Image
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I always write about my own experiences, whether I've had them or not. — Ron Carlson Copy Share Image
The lovely thing about being 40 is that you can appreciate 25 year old men more. — Colleen McCullough Copy Share Image
A problem only becomes a problem when we choose to see it as a problem — Robin Sharma Copy Share Image
Yes, I always had that sense it was wrong. I don’t think anybody can kill somebody and think that it’s right. — Jeffrey Dahmer Copy Share Image
What we learn from history is that people don't learn from history. — Warren Buffett Copy Share Image
My best tweets are when someone take them personnel & instantly unfollow me. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. Honest, I only meant to rough him up a bit. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If God is enough for you, then you'll always have enough, because you'll always have God. — Max Lucado Copy Share Image
Experiences aren't given to us to be 'got over,' otherwise they would hardly be experiences. — Penelope Fitzgerald Copy Share Image
I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you. — Ashleigh Brilliant Copy Share Image
I wish I could get excited about anything as much as girls get excited about cupcakes. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I am always content with what happens; for I know that what God chooses is better than what I choose. — Epictetus Copy Share Image
Garry Shandling always said to me,Dont get mad, get funny. It changed my life. — Rip Torn Copy Share Image
“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
It is always funny to see a grown man bully get beat up by a little girl or anything. — Kenny Omega Copy Share Image
Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm. — Frank Dane Copy Share Image
When we lavish our money we rob our heir; when we merely save it we rob ourselves. — Jean de la Bruyere Copy Share Image
Knowledge that takes you, not beyond yourself is far worse than ignorance. — Elif Safak Copy Share Image
Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard. — CM Punk Copy Share Image
Democracy is an awful way to run a country, but it's the best system we have. — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
