Funny Quotes · Page 821

Laughing is the best medicine.But if you're laughing for no reason, you may need medicine.

— Anonymous

We have more faith in what we imitate than in what we create

— Bruce Lee

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

— Natasha Leggero

MARRIAGE, Is a book in which the first chapter is written in poetry and the rest of the book is prose;

— Nikhil Saluja

People who practice freedom of expression are terrorizing our grammatical way of life.

— Benson Bruno

“She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.”

— Sarah Mayberry

“If you think I'm one of those people who try to be funny at breakfast you're wrong.”

— Daphne du Maurier

Hey Hey What's up?Nothing, you? Same Cool.Yeah. LIKE if you hate conversations like this.

— Anonymous

My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny. My uncle's really funny. Everyone's really funny. You have to…

— Noel Fielding

Teacher: Please go to page 364 in your text book. Random kid in the back: HOLY CRAP I JUSTFLIPPED RIGHT TO THAT…

— Anonymous

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this…

— Bill Hicks

“Approaching the forest from the west was no army, but a delegation of Grailsundanian master surgeons on their way to an appendix…

— Walter Moers

Go home and prosper. In other words, go home and f*&% yourself. Sorry, that was mean, but you have to admit, it…

— Christopher Timmerman

“Hey!” He snapped out of his musings as Destiny’s hand trailed down his body to cup his less than interested cock through…

— Jane Cousins

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.…

— Chelsea Handler

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you…

— Margaret Smith

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

— Larry David

Basketball is like Religion. Many attend but few understand.

— Scott Skiles

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

— Robert Orben

Follow the evidence wherever it leads, and question everything.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson

Start the day off right...On the toilet...Shitting out yesterday's bullshit getting ready to digest today.

— Marlon Wayans

I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary.

— R. L. Stine

If all is not lost . . . well, where the heck is everything?

— Ritu Ghatourey

A man is great not because he hasn't failed; a man is great because failure hasn't stopped him.

— Confucius

April Fools' is exhausting. I can't wait for tomorrow when I can return to blindly accepting everything I hear.

— Green Monk

That funny moment when you don't understand why everybody's laughing, and you just started laughing too.

— Blaze Olamiday

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

— Tim Vine

Never begrudge the money you spend on your own education.

— Jim Rohn

Morality consists of suspecting other people of not being legally married.

— George Bernard Shaw

Don't go for what you know you can get. Go for what you really want.

— Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Today marks the last day it's remotely appropriate for us to nail high school girls

— Anonymous

The Apple store is not a store. It is an exercise in evangelism.

— Paco Underhill

To make sure you are not asleep when the sun begins to rise.

— Anthony

I'm hungry for knowledge. The whole thing is to learn every day, to get brighter and brighter.

— Jay-Z

Don't forget to purchase token Hanukkah decorations so your holiday party doesn't seem racist.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when you see 9 year olds with boyfriends or girlfriends, while you're still single.

— Anonymous

I thought 'I've got to be funny' so I just kind of developed a sense of humor.

— Carl Nassib

I was always interested in being funny and amusing and creating art and comedy.

— Randy Rainbow

Don't listen to what anybody says except the people who encourage you.

— Jake Gyllenhaal

When your mom talks over your favorite songs when riding in the car.

— Anonymous