Funny Quotes · Page 813

“Wonderful. I'm stranded with the least creative Ramblers.”

— M.L. LeGette

His rod revers'd, And backward mutters of dissevering power.

— John Milton

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

— Larry David

The word Fascism has now no meaning except in so far as it signifies 'something not desirable.'

— George Orwell

That terrible moment when you drop a soap while bathing.

— Anonymous

I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

— Anonymous

Sow the living part of yourselves in the furrow of life.

— Miguel de Unamuno

…dearest, loveliest Elizabeth [...] By you, I was properly humbled.

— Jane Austen

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought…

— Mitch Hedberg

Well thank you for reading this!! i dont have much to say but only 5 things 1.make some money 2.grow up 3.be…

— Natasha Uys

“Judy went back to Paulie’s place, but either he wasn’t home or he wasn’t answering his door. After banging on the door…

— A. Lee Martinez

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the…

— Babloo

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a…

— Steve Martin

“And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend.…

— Cassandra Clare

I have asked my mom and my sister a couple times if I should post something or not. Or if they think…

— Cameron Dallas

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

— George Burns

The Games have been decimated. If you take away the Eastern Bloc, you take away 50% of the medals

— Ron Pickering

To those who know and love me I wish you well. All the rest may go to hell

— Green Monk

“Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist's career.”

— Anonymous

If you stop, you'll lose everything. You've got to keep going.

— Greyson Chance

You ever love somebody so much You can barely breathe When you’re with them

— Eminem

If you improve 1% a day, then in 100 days, guess what? You're 100% better.

— Ken Carter

Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, it's too long.

— Patience Jr Kibabatoko

In Hollywood, it's hard to be funny, because all the big jokes are in Washington.

— Rich Little

Woman say:DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? Woman means:We haven't had a fight in a while.

— Nikhil Saluja

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

— Nikhil Saluja

These people are harassing me badly, they said they'll cut…… if I don't pay my phone bill on time.

— Nikhil Saluja

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you. You have my Word.

— Anonymous

Even if we're far apart, let's have hope and keep working hard.

— Yoochun

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

— Wanda Sykes

“No matter how kind you are, always expect a few imbeciles.”

— Criss Jami

Nothing. There's nothing you can do. As soon as you do something you'll no-longer be average.

— Julian Assange

What you stop doing is just as important as the things you start doing.

— Danielle LaPorte

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

— P. J. O'Rourke

“Usually the thought process for a seventeen-year-old boy went girl touching me > omg > boner.”

— Leah Raeder

Lou Gerstner knows how to do a deal, and George Bush Sr., less so.

— Lou Gerstner

I have to say I do read partly for escapism. Why can't I escape and learn something?

— Christopher Bollen

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it!

— Nikhil Saluja

I have never seen happier people than those who have repented.

— Stephen L. Richards

HOW LONG IS THIS DORITOS COMMERCIAL!? Grandma, that's just Jersey Shore

— Anonymous