Funny Quotes · Page 809

I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable.

— Sherry Glaser

Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

— Green Monk

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

— Robert Byrne

I found Leonora Carrington's 'The Hearing Trumpet' really funny.

— Olga Tokarczuk

In Czechoslovakia, we consider Kafka a very funny man. A humorist.

— Milos Forman

That moment when you finish a game and just don't know what to do with your life anymore.

— Anonymous

One of the funny things in life to me is a guy who takes himself very seriously.

— Dennis Farina

You know, I’ve spent my entire life time separating the Right from the kooks.

— William F. Buckley, Jr

The fact that 'A Dirty Job' has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it…

— Christopher Moore

I find it funny how people from Boston and New York hate each other because of pro teams. But, like, everyone on…

— Julian Casablancas

“Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married." He snorted…

— R.L. Mathewson

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

— Nikhil Saluja

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same…

— Bill Cosby

All the greatest comedians use comedy and humor to release pain and sadness, and I think that instead of wanting to live…

— Princess Nokia

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's…

— Dave Attell

The musicals that I loved, growing up - many, many. 'Singing in the Rain,' of course, is a classic, I love 'Meet…

— Rob Marshall

I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.

— Anonymous

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen

— Jim Davis

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

— Bob Hope

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

— Doug Stanhope

The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating.

— John Schaar

Anything played wrong twice in a row is the beginning of an arrangement.

— Frank Zappa

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.

— Joan Rivers

Dont base your decisions on the advice of people who dont have to deal with the results.

— Hussein Nishah

Since I am convinced that I wrong no one, I am not likely to wrong myself.

— Socrates

I want a job cleaning mirrors. I can see myself doing that.

— Green Monk

Exchange love for hate...Thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising.

— Maya Angelou

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

— Nikhil Saluja

Something is wanting to science until it has been humanised.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

— Chevy Chase

I finally reached the point where I knew I had to become involved or shut up.

— Harvey Milk

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

— Bill Cosby

It's in my nature to feel, 'I could be this! This could be mine!'

— June Squibb

Women spend more time thinking about what men think, then men spend thinking!

— Anonymous

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes & Noble. Bring your own book...I haven't written one yet.

— Daniel Tosh

Playing a fun drinking game called: Girl alone with her cat.

— Anonymous

I know my career is going badly because I'm being quoted correctly.

— Lee Marvin

“We don't have dealings. He just stalks me. I'm popular like that.”

— Nenia Campbell

Everyone Is Normal Until You Add Them As Your Facebook Friend.

— Anonymous

There was just a lot of comedy on the TV in the house, and my parents are both very funny.

— Kate McKinnon