In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You haven’t done anything wrong. You just haven’t done anything, and that’s what’s wrong. — Ben Feldman Copy Share Image
“It is laughable how often good manners interfere with my survival.” — Andrew Levkoff Copy Share Image
Hello, modeling agency? Yes! Umm.. I just got 37 likes on my new profile pic, I think I'm ready to go pro. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Hello? Hello, uh ... do you sell ladders? Sorry, you have the rung number. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Hearing yourself sing in the shower and wondering why the hell you haven't made an album yet ;D — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end… — Angelina Jolie Copy Share Image
I watch stuff from all around the world. We all grow up watching American TV, so the idea that I might have… — Roisin Conaty Copy Share Image
“Okey." Charming leaned back and rocked the chair on two legs. "Let's asses the situation. We've got a fourteen-fot green-spiked dragon, male,… — John Moore Copy Share Image
“You're walking funny," Lucy said, a shit-eating grin on her face. Five days of out of this world sex with a starving… — Nalini Singh Copy Share Image
When your parents don't answer your calls, it's ok but when you don't answer your parent's calls, worldwar III is about to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
It's funny: I feel like so many people say, 'Monogamy, it's not natural; we created that for a variety of reasons,' but… — Rosemarie DeWitt Copy Share Image
I ain't sayin she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke white guy who's afraid to finish the rest… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.' — Ken Dodd Copy Share Image
I would like to make one thing quite clear. ... I never explain anything. — Julie Andrews Copy Share Image
If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong. — Marlon Wayans Copy Share Image
I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature — George Harrison Copy Share Image
If you don't have the best of everything, make the best of everything you have. — Erk Russell Copy Share Image
Whenever I have a problem, I sing. Then I realize that my voice is a lot worse than my problem. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
When anyone lacks self-awareness and doesn't recognize their transparencies, it's always funny. — Merrill Markoe Copy Share Image
I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't snort, and I don't gamble. I do lie a little bit though. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Hit the ball over the fence and you can take your time going around the bases. — Mickey Mantle Copy Share Image
Is your ass jealous of all the shit that's coming out of your mouth, ha! Get some toilet paper for it bitch! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies. — Elizabeth Gilbert Copy Share Image
Dear haters, is your haters dick growing? cause you seem to be hatein on me so much. how big is it? — Cuts And Scars Copy Share Image
I'd be much more into the Gay Pride Parade if real lesbians were like porn lesbians. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny when someone breaks an awkward silence by saying 'that was an awkward silence.' — Alec Straub Copy Share Image
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
Ask what you can do for influencers, not what influencers can do for you - develop relationships! — Laura Fitton Copy Share Image
The principles of comedy are the principles of comedy. I can hear funny. — Stephan Pastis Copy Share Image
God doesn’t want to take your money. He just doesn’t want your money to take you. — Andy Stanley Copy Share Image
