For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“She moved like water, graceful and soft and lovely. Every part of me wanted to stick out my foot and trip her,… — Cassandra Rose Clarke Copy Share Image
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Dil ka dard dil torrne waley kiya jaaney, Pyar ke rivajon ko zamana kiya jaaney, Hoti hai kitni takleef larrki ko pataney… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I would like to be constantly thinking about life, trying to make it funny. — Joe Lycett Copy Share Image
Because there are those who trust and encourage. I became a roly-poly Hyoyeon!! ^^ — Kim Hyo-yeon Copy Share Image
WIFE, A person who only lasts as long as a marriage -- an ex-wife is forever — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter. — Jim Carrey Copy Share Image
LMS If your mom says this when she get mad at you...I brought you in this world and I can take you… — Dionta Long Copy Share Image
“He really did posses the ability to be extremely annoying when he set his mind to it.” — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
Instead of incarcerating pedophiles, why don't we use them as crash test dummies? — Laura S Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder how many miles I've scrolled my mouse wheel. — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
Don't ever sell mankind short by saying there's anything they can't do. — Fredric Brown Copy Share Image
I hate when women say that all men want from them is sex, coz that's bullshit. We want you for blowjobs too. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I hate how after an arguement I think of more clever shit I should have said. — Fading_scars Copy Share Image
You know you've had enough coffee when you can thread a sewing machine ...while it's running! — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I bet if there were death panels, its members would take Grandparents Day off. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The thing about faith is that you have to have it before you need it. — Rich Wilkerson Jr Copy Share Image
I think the second you think that you're funny is when you stop being funny. — Mila Kunis Copy Share Image
You know how you can tell that you're getting really old? Nobody says the word 'death' around you anymore. — M. Emmet Walsh Copy Share Image
Being the 1% of the population that doesn't receive a cute morning text. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
