Funny Quotes · Page 760

“I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.”

— Stephen King

RUNNING like a NINJA, when your laptop display 10% battery.

— Anonymous

Fitness - if it came in a bottle, everybody would have a great body.

— Cher

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

— Nikhil Saluja

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically-abusive, cold, dead hand.

— Myself

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

— Jerry Seinfeld

“I say, 'Woe to them that have a nose, a real nose, and come to look round the torture-chamber! Aha, aha, aha!”

— Gaston Leroux

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds'…

— Jeff Foxworthy

If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny,…

— Gilbert Gottfried

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

— George Burns

You cant be a casual observer of something humorous - you have to engage, you have to find it funny for the…

— Brendan Coyle

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If…

— Ernest Hemingway

Urgent necessity prompts many to do things, at the very thoughts of which they perhaps would start at other times.

— Miguel de Cervantes

People always tell me, 'You should do drama. You should do drama.' Even when I first got an agent, they were like,…

— Tiffany Haddish

“I trust you all slept well,” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin. “Yes,…

— Mary E. Pearson

Turning 102 is crap, and there is nothing to commemorate.

— Oscar Niemeyer

That awkward moment when a 10 year old kid says; When I was a kid.

— Anonymous

Leadership is not about control but service. Its not about power but empowerment

— Myles Munroe

“Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.”

— Matt Dunn

My Imaginary friend says you have serious problems... O.o

— Forever Hopeful's

That moment when your smiling at your phone like an idiot, and your parents ask you who you're talking to.

— Anonymous

You were my priority once.. now you have become just a stupid joke.

— Anshi

The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.

— Robert M. Hutchins

B*tches be like Happy One Day Anninversary baby I LOVE YOU -_-

— Pretty Ladii

“There's no way that you're real,” she murmured to his crotch.”

— Rose Wynters

He who is good at excuses is generally good for nothing else.

— Samuel Foote

I wouldn't be the best offensive player if I didn't have a great setter. She serves me up nectar.

— Misty May-Treanor

Boys say its great..boys say its fine... 9 months later boys say its not mine..!

— Simi Ngr

What I've always wanted to do is be as funny as possible.

— John Cleese

All the sciences are, in some measure, linked with each other, and before the one is ended, the other begins.

— Oliver Goldsmith

Of course I do my own stunts. And I also do my own lying.

— Roger Moore

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

— Laurence J. Peter

Congratulations on finding an absurdly overpriced place to live.

— Anonymous

Curiosity killed the cat but for a while there I was a suspect.

— Lula Starr

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, dont knock it.

— Jarod Kintz

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

— Nikhil Saluja

I love you :* YOU'RE the QUEEN of my little territory <3

— Anas

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

— Louis C. K