Funny Quotes · Page 727

God can't fill you when you are already full of yourself.

— Max Lucado

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

— Rodney Dangerfield

You should not buy a stock because it's cheap but because you know a lot about it.

— Peter Lynch

I guess we have the press to thank for pushing us to see something we didn't see!

— Eva Longoria

Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.

— Penelope Trunk

I know all the bad things that happened in that war. I was in uniform four years myself.

— Ronald Reagan

They are each good when they are out, and each bad when they are in.

— Will Rogers

I never lose when I love. I only lose when I'm afraid to

— Paulo Coelho

“They have two moods, hungry and horny. So if you see a boy without an erection, you should go make him a…

— Jillian Dodd

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

— Bill Bailey

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without your even asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective…

— Wendy Wasserstein

The only rule was that the stuff had to be funny and pretty short. To me, the quintessential Army Man joke was…

— George Meyer

“It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing”

— Josh Stern

“We probably won’t live long enough to run out of food, or electricity, or anything important.” “Oh, you’ll live,” Murphy said. “I…

— Bobby Adair

I’m really not interested in women as victims. Look at me, I get the last laugh ‘cause I get to be funny…

— Nora Ephron

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have…

— Bob Hope

Happy Grandparents Day from people you should appreciate for not yet putting you in a nursing home.

— Anonymous

We will only truly be free when those in bondage are finally free

— Desmond Tutu

First thing you do when you wake up is reach for your phone...

— Green Monk

Just remember, if the world didnt suck, wed all fall off.

— Orebela Gbenga

I am the kinda person that runs into a wall and apologizes.

— Anonymous

Once you're in, you're in. It's like the Mafia. Once a Monkee, always a Monkee.

— Davy Jones

Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.

— John Alexander Thom

If you're funny; if theres something that makes you laugh, then every days going to be OK.

— Anonymous

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

— George Lopez

Faith is permitting ourselves to be seized by the things that we do not see.

— Martin Luther

Letters are largely written to get things out of your system.

— John Dos Passos

If the Best is yet to come, the Present will blend with it Beautifully.

— Dorothy West

“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Peace is the first condition, without which nothing else can be stable.

— Sri Aurobindo

“I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.”

— Doug Solter

You mean, what we thought, they thought, we think and thought they thought. We think?

— Patrick Star

OH YES, I GET IT! *Teacher walks away* Dude, I still don't get it

— Anonymous

It's impossible to say I wasn't talking to you politely.

— Itsme867

The ones that measure up are not always the ones you expect.

— Walter Lord

If Spongebob is the main character, why is Patrick the star?

— Alisa Gattus

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for…

— Demetri Martin

We've learned from experience that the truth will come out.

— Richard P. Feynman

Let's pretend we're having as much holiday fun as Christians...

— Anonymous

Labor Day is a great opportunity to reflect on what you failed to accomplish this summer.

— Anonymous