Funny Quotes · Page 726

If you own something you cannot give away, then you don't own it, it owns you.

— Albert Schweitzer

The Lybian army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose.

— Muammar al-Gaddafi

That awkward moment when your dad thinks that every boy you talk to is your boyfriend.

— Anonymous

You know your talented when you can untangle your headphones in the dark.

— Anonymous

Contact with the customer is what business is all about.

— Jay Leno

Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.

— James Stewart

It’s simple: when God is for you, who can be against you?

— Ray Lewis

We start to die when we no longer have the power to choose.

— Octavian Paler

If there's an audience, I think they're going to expect me to be funny. But what if I'm not funny? What if…

— Gene Wilder

Before I help you up when you fall down I will laugh at you so hard it will hurt, when we watch…

— Lynn M

Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice…

— Robert Osborne

“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law…

— A. Lee Martinez

When someone says 'Id explain but its complicated.' Im not offended they think so little of me, Im offended they think so…

— Olivia Munn

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

— Carl Hiaasen

“Everything in Australia is trying to kill you, haven't you heard? Half of the ten deadliest snakes in the world live in…

— Rosalind James

When you go back to 'Friends,' and you look at that as New York, there's no black people. That's not real. You're…

— Terry Crews

I don't want to hide. If I get arrested, I get arrested.

— Edward Snowden

I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.

— Samuel L. Jackson

At least you're as thin as the college rejection letters you're receiving.

— Anonymous

Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a hand job better than I can.

— Nikhil Saluja

Marriage is functional in which the woman must cook the food every day and the man has to eat it every day.

— Vikrant Parsai

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

— Nikhil Saluja

Convoy? Michael, you're hanging around with a man who uses a collective term for a single vehicle.

— Steve Coogan

Don’t be in a rush to get big. Be in a rush to have a great product.

— Eric Ries

Chiropractic is a science just so far as it is specific.

— Daniel D. Palmer

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

— Bo Burnham

God asks the best we have Because He gave the Best He had.

— Leonard Ravenhill

Your are what you eat right? oh I get it thats why all girls are orange!

— Anonymous

A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.

— Robert Frost

If my tweets offend you: 1. I'm sorry. 2. It won't happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You're a pussy.

— Nikhil Saluja

Setting themselves against reason, as often as reason is against them.

— Thomas Hobbes

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

— Bill Engvall

The cheapest, fastest, and most reliable components are those that aren't there.

— Gordon Bell

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

— Adam Ferrara

“Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.”

— Beth Fantaskey

You'll never go wrong when you work with someone smarter than you.

— Tibor Kalman

My statuses is like Jordans...mfs can't wait til they cum out

— IG:catone_2_funny

I to die, and you to live. Which is better God only knows.

— Plato

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

— Fred Allen

This really is my life’s work, to go where there is suffering,

— Kayla Mueller