Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom. — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
The roses have wilted, The violets are dead, Sugar is lumpy And so is your head. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread... — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead? — Jack Whitehall Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“What?" I asked, swallowing a mouthful. "You remind me of me." "That can't be good." I took another mouthful.” — Courtney Allison Moulton Copy Share Image
Do not ever make fun of fat people, their life is nothing less than a punishment. — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. — Navjot Singh Sidhu Copy Share Image
It is so cool to think that there are two female, Indian actresses on prime-time American network television who are considered attractive… — Hannah Simone Copy Share Image
ªTurnoff¬ when a female treat me like a I'm female...i was at da club in this female came up to me in… — IG:catone_2_funny Copy Share Image
“Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could… — Jane Costello Copy Share Image
It's funny how much the lie of a life after life works with people. Even people who are non-believers seem to think… — Gaspar Noe Copy Share Image
People just want to have a bit of fun, something uplifting, funny, that's got a melody to it. That's what we try… — Michael Dapaah Copy Share Image
“Feeling unable to maintain this detachment of attitude towards human- and, in especial, matrimonial- affairs, I asked whether it was not true… — Anthony Powell Copy Share Image
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I… — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
I dont think I can ever stab someone. lets be honest I can barely get the straw in the CAPRI SUN — Ana 13 Copy Share Image
I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score — Ricky Davis Copy Share Image
Why is it ok when a whites person tell a racist joke and they say just kidding fuck its till racist — Marquez Copy Share Image
I predict Obama will get an early lead, then all the Republicans will get off of work. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I nor the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom. — Julia Louis-Dreyfus Copy Share Image
I am interested only in the unknown and I work for my own astonishment. — Roberto Matta Copy Share Image
My dad had a great sense of humor; he was a very funny guy and did know how to laugh. — Mary L. Trump Copy Share Image
“Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave.” — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
No, officer I'm not drunk! The reason I'm walking like this is because I'm avoiding snipers. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
It's in our own lives, every single day, whether we recognize it as funny at the moment or not. — Sean Astin Copy Share Image
There was a time when you were not. There never will be a time when you will not be. — Adrian Rogers Copy Share Image
“So you thought you could shit and eat at the same time. How disgustingly convenient.” — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
If the knocking at the door is loud and long, it is not opportunity, it is your relatives. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
Friends feel rude when they go in your cupboards; best friends don't even ask! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sabbath is not simply the pause that refreshes. It is the pause that transforms. — Walter Brueggemann Copy Share Image
People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. — Jake Paul Copy Share Image
It is not our comment on the Word that saves, but the Word itself. — Robert Murray M'Cheyne Copy Share Image
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. — Bob Thaves Copy Share Image
This time of year is tough on many people. Help'em out by shouting SHUT UP as often as possible. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Person: YOU GET ON MY F*CKING NERVES! Me: So you're gonna caps-lock me to death? — Psyche_Zeroh Copy Share Image
