“Satan impregnated my mother one lovely spring morning. We didn’t have the heart to tell my father.” — Holly Hood Copy Share Image
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves. — Thomas Merton Copy Share Image
When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Its so funny how as soon as a girl sees a hot guy they automaticly want to be best buddies with them. — Cassandra Crosby Copy Share Image
I figured if I could put together being funny about stuff and actual events, maybe I could do something that wasn't being… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
When you're experiencing what's happening right now, all of a sudden everything that happened to you in your entire life melts away. — Bryan Kest Copy Share Image
As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is… — Bob Einstein Copy Share Image
I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A ceremony favoured in England -- it's the only way to beat their cold winters and lack of central heating; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The book that made me decide to go into Russian literature was 'Anna Karenina,' which I first read in high school. The… — Elif Batuman Copy Share Image
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.” — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased. — C. S. Lewis Copy Share Image
Hate it when ugly peope say I need my beauty sleep. OH N0, you need to hibernate. ï_(ã)_/ï — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar. — Billy Crystal Copy Share Image
Germany are a very difficult team to play... they have eleven internationals out there today. — Steve Lomas Copy Share Image
My sincere apologies to those, I havent offended yet. Sorry you feel so left out, promise Ill get to you soon. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens. — Andy Rooney Copy Share Image
“He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)” — Noel Gallagher Copy Share Image
There are 3 types of people: 1. People who pee in the shower 2. Liars 3. Multidimensionally Retarted — Jewelizeemint Deelouviou Copy Share Image
Nearly everyone I knew talked to me about God. They always warned me not to offend Him. — Marilyn Monroe Copy Share Image
The highest calling of leadership is to unlock the potential of others. — Carly Fiorina Copy Share Image
If everything goes right, we get a good experience. If everything goes wrong, we get a good story. — Simon Sinek Copy Share Image
The secret of comedy is enjoying it. If you're not laughing, it's not going to be funny. — Sarah Alexander Copy Share Image
The man who would be fully employed should procure a ship or a woman, for no two things produce more trouble. — Plautus Copy Share Image
