Funny Quotes · Page 690

This just isn't my day. it could be raining titties then I could get hit in the head with a dick.

— Anonymous

A good novel tells us the truth about it's hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.

— GKChesterton

Teacher: Where the hell is your math homework? Me: It committed suicide, had too many problems!

— Anonymous

Women are not to be hit, they're to be hugged and caressed.

— Charlie Sheen

I know I'm funny, because I'm eccentric, I'm odd. I'm not what you expect.

— Marian Seldes

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before…

— Bernard Manning

Best thing is to get the words down every day. And it is time to start now.

— John Steinbeck

People say funny things all the time during really serious moments in life.

— Mark Ruffalo

“Do you think ladies’ eyebrows can communicate as well?” she asked. “No, they don’t have sufficient thicketry,” he said with authority. “Thicketry?”…

— Anne Gracie

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's…

— Jay Leno

It's so funny; I grew up in the Midwest, I have two older brothers, and you're just as competitive playing football as…

— Jose Pablo Cantillo

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's funny - people ask me that, and I don't…

— Mackenzie Rosman

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours…

— Erma Bombeck

I'm a natural clown, I suppose, in writing, and one has to accept that; I can't do anything about it. I have…

— Anthony Burgess

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry.…

— Rodney Dangerfield

If you only cute with make up on...then you're not cute, you're just good at face painting. You should do kids parties...you're…

— Kathy Woodson

Thanks for buying an item off our wedding registry that wasn't put there by my spouse.

— Anonymous

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

— Stephen Colbert

A mediocre season for Nelson Piquet as he is now known and always has been.

— Murray Walker

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve

— Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm sure there are comedians who make jokes about me, but say something funny, not mean.

— Michael McIntyre

The funny thing is, I don't actually think of myself as fat at all. I don't think I am. Not really.

— Jo Brand

I turn all thorn then, but you come back again and make my thorniness fragrant and pink and petaled.

— Rumi

When you don't know what you're searching for, you have to look absolutely everywhere.

— Holly Black

Dear Internet users, One day you will really regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms and Conditions.

— Anonymous

You can't assert an answer just because it's not something else.

— Isaac Asimov

What the fuck I look like stressing over friends? I got family I walk pass and don't even speak to.

— Anonymous

Where there is no hope in the future, there is no power in the present.

— John C. Maxwell

“He'd given her the mother of all hangovers - a run-in with the wrath of grapes.”

— Kresley Cole

Let love comes to you, be patient. In fairy tales they don't find each other until the last page.

— Anonymous

I wasn't that drunk, Dude you asked your girlfriend if she was single!.

— Anonymous

You are loving... when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.

— Nikhil Saluja

Twitter: Where people bitch for everyone's attention and validation from strangers.

— Nikhil Saluja

You have more dick in your personality, than you do in your pants.

— Skylar Mathews

You can always become the person you would have liked to be.

— Napoleon Hill

He (Lou Gehrig) just went out and did his job every day.

— Bill Dickey

While their service is ending, our responsibility is just beginning!

— Howard Schultz

If you are five minutes early, you are already ten minutes late.

— Vince Lombardi

The longest word in the english language is the one that follows the phrase, 'And now a word from our sponsor'.

— Hal Eaton

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.

— Natasha Leggero