I never did stand-up. If I've been funny ever, it was with other actors. — Valerie Harper Copy Share Image
“Oh, tell me the rest. I like tricks and snares. Even ones I was nearly caught in.” — Holly Black Copy Share Image
I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
An object that is at rest will tend to stay at rest. An object that is in motion will tend to stay… — Isaac Newton Copy Share Image
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by the way he eats jelly beans. — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
It isn't about who is 'for' or 'against' you, it's about who you are for. — Andy Stanley Copy Share Image
The Madonna tour thing was definitely funny that - you know, children were crying watching us... and it was interesting seeing how… — Ad-Rock Copy Share Image
Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a… — J. Vernon McGee Copy Share Image
“Seth turns to Laney and I. "Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me,… — Hannah Harrington Copy Share Image
A comedic look at the TV License, you stop paying it and you get clobbered, you pay the fine but continue to… — Sparki Dee Copy Share Image
It shouldn't be an issue that we have a black president. Gay marriage shouldn't be an issue. And women being funny shouldn't… — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
I swear, if someone says another, Why so serious pun on me one more time I will go murder Heath Ledger in… — Ryan Cardenas Copy Share Image
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Some people think that when they say something and they think its funny but its not. They think that the person they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I look at things logically. The humor I do is to go from A to B to C to D, and F… — Ron Shock Copy Share Image
Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers. — Evan Esar Copy Share Image
I dream of a better tomorrow...where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I would just like to take the time to Congratulate my parents for having such an amazing kid! — Mpendulo Sequencei Ncubekezi Copy Share Image
Tell me where it is gone — then I will tell you where it came from. — Hasan of Basra Copy Share Image
I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear Copy Share Image
I like clever lyrics, funny lyrics, dumb lyrics. I can never put my finger on what I like about them. — James Murphy Copy Share Image
I can always count on my dog to make me feel better about a bad hair day. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sorry not being allowed to work from home has forced you to adjust your masturbation schedule. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air. — Norm Sloan Copy Share Image
Love will not serve those who do not live for her, and in her, and to whom she is not the breath… — Jeanette Lee Copy Share Image
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You can't leave humanity out. If you didn't have humanity, you wouldn't have anything. — Alice Neel Copy Share Image
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play… — W. C. Fields Copy Share Image
There is nobody like him in the world. There is - and always will be - one Jim Rohn. — Brian Tracy Copy Share Image
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
