Funny Quotes · Page 663

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

— Jon Stewart

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

— Steven Wright

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink and wear as good as they used to be.

— Anonymous

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth.

— Louis C. K

He's a jokester, and that's funny, very funny. Ha-ha. Very funny.

— Shaquille O'Neal

The whole effect of activity is to enrich the feeling of the other.

— Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Welcome the One that has kissed you from within. It is from inside everything comes.

— Mooji

40 is when your body gives your brain a list of things its not going to do anymore.

— Anonymous

“Look at what you've done,' Sanguine said, shaking his head with mock severity. 'You have foiled out insidious little plot. You have…

— Derek Landy

On the secret to a lasting marrige: One of you has to be sane, and the other one is only allowed to…

— Christopher Meloni

How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small

— Anonymous

Gal's top 10 lies 1. I luv u more than nothing 2. I am single 3. I hope u wont cheat on…

— Anonymous

This satire business, that was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I was certified funny. From then on,…

— Ray Guy

The funny thing about voice over is you can go in in sweatpants and have your hair all messed up, and no…

— Elizabeth Gillies

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight,…

— Elayne Boosler

I think what is important for things to be funny is if you the listener, or the reader, get a chance to…

— Ian Frazier

Biggest pet peave at hotels...Not knowing how to work the showers!!:)

— Rachel

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of

— Robert Benchley

I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition

— Anonymous

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.”

— Cuthbert Soup

“What's wrong with her soul?" "Nothing.  She's just not actually in possession of it.”

— Rachel Vincent

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

— Steven Wright

“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

— Woody Allen

I can be approached, but never pushed; befriended but never coerced; killed, but never shamed.

— Yi Sun-sin

We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves.

— Marie Curie

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

— Tim Vine

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag o chips...

— Ana

Death is not an experience in life; we do not live to experience death.

— Ludwig Wittgenstein

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

— Lenny Bruce

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

— Rita Rudner

Just Kidding: Saying what you really want and getting away with it.

— Celeste Hartman

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

— Anonymous

It's either the wallpaper or me. One of us has to go. [These were his dying words.]

— Oscar Wilde

We want to ascribe a kind of tragic grimness to people, but people are funny.

— Luis Alberto Urrea

When someone points skyward, its the fool that looks at the finger.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I'm bringing sexy back Oh no. Hunny, your the reason it left.

— Anonymous

“I confessed I did not have an opinion; I was only thirteen, and this was my very first dismemberment.”

— Rick Yancey

Don't you hate it when you're doing push-ups and you lose count after 1,000...

— Anonymous

“Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.”

— Santosh Kalwar

I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

— Anonymous