Funny Quotes · Page 638

To work is to undertake to think something other than what one has thought before

— Michel Foucault

If you dont like a Rule... Just Follow it.. Reach on the Top.. and Change the Rule

— Adolf Hitler

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back

— Nateman

Experience is a funny thing. You don't always have it when you need it.

— Patrick Chan

I swear he's cute, hold on . . . LET ME FIND A BETTER PICTURE

— Anonymous

It's not brain surgery. It's not nuclear physics. It's television. It's only television.

— Linda Ellerbee

Everything is extra funny when you're not supposed to laugh.

— Ariana Grande

Maybe truth is not something that I can possess. Maybe truth is something which possesses me.

— Jon Foreman

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'…

— Mitch Hedberg

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong. He can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it…

— Mark Twain

When I was growing up, I idolised my father. I thought his ghost followed me around the house. I had been told…

— Aisling Bea

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex…

— Ray Romano

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled…

— E. W. Howe

“Archbishop: "God is with us!" William the Great : "Bishop, if God is with us, then he is not with them, congratulations!…

— Arash Pakravesh

I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200…

— Anonymous

Things shall fall into its perfect place, in the perfect time, at a perfect setting that you will always be able to…

— Nikhil Saluja

An ethicist is someone who sees something wrong with whatever you have in mind.

— Marvin Minsky

It's all fun and games until you see a picture of yourself from 6th grade.

— Anonymous

What's funny about my resume is so much of what I've done has not been seen.

— Nicholas D'Agosto

HUSBAND, HENPECKED, A species of worm which is afraid to turn;

— Nikhil Saluja

“Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.”

— Bauvard

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.

— George H. W. Bush

Desire awakens only to things that are thought possible.

— Rene Descartes

My philosophy is that you sell things for more than you bought them.

— Sophia Amoruso

Where you stop is where you stop. There is always more of God.

— Karen Wheaton

I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters.

— John Keats

It makes me think—what am I going to be like when I'm 65?

— Kendall Jenner

I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people.

— Jon Hamm

I listen to my music and sing when I have problems, then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.

— Twang_beauty

Therapist: you should be in a mental institute Me: I'm already on Twitter

— Nikhil Saluja

“If your closest friends stop showing up to your barbecues, you're probably in a bad relationship.”

— Anna Faris

Fact: Women suffer more migraines more men. Reason: Because we have to deal with men

— Anonymous

MARRIAGE, An event, for the upper middle class, is the only adventure left;

— Nikhil Saluja

“Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“We tend to get a little information before we off people. It’s not a play by ear sort of deal.”

— Holly Hood

“You making jokes about my illness? Not funny. Me making jokes about my illness? Funny.”

— Carla Ulbrich

I love shifting between being super cute and aggressive. It's funny.

— Sigrid

Are you mad? Or you staring because my umbrella's more manly then yours?

— Brendon Urie

Folks, it's okay to find flamboyant homosexuality funny.

— Steven Crowder

First day of school: I'm actually gonna try this year! Next week: Yeah, no.

— Anonymous