That moment when the ugliest guy you know gets a girlfriend and your still single. — Mario Tomasello Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. — Tim Allen Copy Share Image
You can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When people try to call me an angel but spell angle. Am I at least acute angle? :) — Sarahi Gonzalez Copy Share Image
Who says English is easy? Then fill the blank with either YES, NO or MAYBE. Oh____, I am Monkey. — Jeferson Bregano Copy Share Image
Your name is a funny thing. It stands for what you're about, and everything I do is really about pride. — Tom Ford Copy Share Image
I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
A BOY CAN MEET 1O GIRLS, F*CK 9 , TALK TO 8 , LAUGH WITH 7 , RUN BEHIND 6 , LIKE… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Im not a Facebook status you don't have to like me, but just cuz you don't,doesn't mean other people wont. Just know… — Rosie Krein Copy Share Image
First day of school WALKS INTO CLASS ROOM. SEES WHO'S IN IT. STOPS AT THE DOOR. AND YOU'RE THINKING: YOU'VE GOT TO… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm going to do my best for you. I'm gonna fight for you. And if in the end you won't love me,… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“And you're no going to see me inherit the title--you'll marry on your deathbed and beget an heir just to spite me,"… — Anne Stuart Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I've been seesawing between not doing too much racial stuff - because I'd rather be known as the funny comedian than the… — Ronny Chieng Copy Share Image
Did you do your makeup this morning, or did you just get gangbanged by Crayola? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It was hard doing scenes with Bobby Cannavale because I would break up laughing because he's so funny. — Peter Dinklage Copy Share Image
When he time comes to leave, just walk away quietly and don't make any fuss. — Banksy Copy Share Image
Phone on silent : 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest : Nobody calls All damn day. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.” — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
“I held in the sneeze, though, by thinking of the word cucumber. It always works.” — Merrie Haskell Copy Share Image
I hope the colder weather won't deter you from continuing to wear slutty summer dresses to the office. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Hitler didn't snub me—it was FDR who snubbed me. The president didn't even send me a telegram. — Jesse Owens Copy Share Image
Peeking out of your 3D glasses during a movie just to see the difference — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There are three sides to an argument, your side, my side, and the right side, which is still my side! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
