What's funny isn't really me. What I do is point out what I find funny in others. — Michael Pena Copy Share Image
I never stopped writing about what was actually going on in my life. There's nothing to hide. — Lana Del Rey Copy Share Image
I have often marveled at the thin line which separates success from failure. — Ernest Shackleton Copy Share Image
A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts — Frank Skinner Copy Share Image
Iraqi forces are still in control of the city, and they are engaging in an attrition war with the enemy. — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my penis, when she asked me what I was doing, apparently heating your dinner was… — Uknown Copy Share Image
AKPOS Uploaded a Photo holding a Dog on Facebook.. Girl Commented: Which one is u?...AKPOS replied: The One holding you — Olubayo Adebiyi Copy Share Image
Pata nhi kyu log meri itni respect krte h main jb unhe msg krti hun to wo apna sir neeche jhuka kr… — Sadie Copy Share Image
They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and… — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
Often, when people don't do so well in a monologue at UCB, it's because they're racking their brain so hard to be… — Matt Besser Copy Share Image
'Hanna' doesn't maintain social norms. She doesn't have those boundaries. She speaks her mind and is very physical and funny. — Esme Creed-Miles Copy Share Image
Valentines Day Drinks: $80. Dinner: $75. The room: $250. The look on his face when she says Im on my period: Priceless. :) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We cannot always control everything that happens to us in this life, but we can control how we respond. — L. Lionel Kendrick Copy Share Image
I don't have anger issues, I have issues with idiots who make me angry. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. — Samuel Goldwyn Copy Share Image
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
Stewart has two cars in the top five: Magnusson 5th and Barichello 6th. — Murray Walker Copy Share Image
It's the beauty within us that makes it possible for us to recognize the beauty around us. — Joan D. Chittister Copy Share Image
Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong, and get used to it. — Josiah Bartlett Copy Share Image
Whenever you feel worthless, Remember; You were once the quickest sperm cell.. :D — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Thinking you stepped into Antarctica when actually, you've only stepped outta the shower. :c — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Even though your funny,crazy,guffy,weird and talkative… am that way too I love my freaky friends — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us. — Ruud Gullit Copy Share Image
The annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching. — Ewshy Copy Share Image
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I know my spirit is not mean, and I have a very good spirit and a funny spirit. — Tracy Morgan Copy Share Image
When I step on the mat I know there is no other place I'd rather be. — Marcelo Garcia Copy Share Image
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
If the early bird catches the worm, then what the night owl catches? — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
