Funny Quotes · Page 604

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

— Adam Carolla

Marriages may be made in heaven, but the maintainance charges have to be paid on earth...

— Green Monk

I can come off as pretty arrogant, but it's because I know I'm right.

— Bram Cohen

It's like there was me, then the Beatles phase, and now I'm me again.

— Paul McCartney

They were throwing potatoes at me. It's only supposed to be rotten fruit.

— Merlin

If you talk about corruption, you can talk about a lot of things in life.

— Rafael Benitez

Sometimes a joke that's not working is just as hilarious as one that does.

— Deon Cole

Reread, rewrite, reread, rewrite. If it still doesn’t work, throw it away.

— Helen Dunmore

I honestly love any good chick flick, as long as it's a good movie or pretty funny. 'Love Actually' is a no-brainer.

— Matt McGorry

“I am a teacher. Pay close attention - this will be on the test. You don't wreck buildings. You don't take children…

— Yoko

I wouldn't necessarily have been making books about how to make comics if I'd really felt I knew how to make comics.

— Scott McCloud

“I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a…

— Seanan McGuire

If I'm playing a bad guy, and I'm playing him evilly - I'm making him evil; I'm being evil because I want…

— Richard Jenkins

I would rather be funny than gorgeous, absolutely. Because it's too hard to be gorgeous, you know. I could make a stab…

— Gilda Radner

There should be an entire column on social networking sites for pictures, statuses, and relationships that no one gives a fuck about...

— Jerett Parker

If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic? -A

— Anonymous

Dear CatDog, Please tell me how you poop. I have wondered for so long. Sincerely, a confused fan.

— Anonymous

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.

— Henry David Thoreau

I told the board of education, I was bored of education..

— Anonymous

Men's natures are alike; it is their habits that separate them.

— Confucius

I don't hate Rod Stewart. I think he's an incredible talent, funny, darling. Just didn't make a good boyfriend.

— Bebe Buell

Dear Boys, if you wear a hat, prepare for it to be taken by us. Sincerely, Girls

— Anonymous

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

— Zach Braff

It's funny how much you attach yourself to everyone around you when you film.

— Jared Gilman

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way.

— Kevin Hart

Math: Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

— Nikhil Saluja

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

— Emo Philips

My graduation speech : I hate you all you mother fuckers, I'm out.

— Anonymous

The life I was leading was changing me into someone I didn't even know.

— Dennis Rodman

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

— Phyllis Diller

Women may be able to fake an orgasm, but men can fake a whole relationship

— Anonymous

I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.

— Tracy Morgan

A poem is something sacred. Let no one Take it for anything except itself.

— Jose Marti

You don't know who's good or bad until you get to that crisis point.

— Alex Jones

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

— George Eliot

Leadership is all about people … and getting the most out of people.

— Colin Powell

A good neighbor is someone who doesn't put a password on their wifi.

— Anonymous

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

— Mark Twain

If you think nobody cares . . . try missing a couple of check payments.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!

— Milton Berle