“Jimmy Hoffa is not dead. He works at the National Enquirer with Elvis and Bigfoot.” — M.J. McGuire Copy Share Image
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? — Lily Tomlin Copy Share Image
Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
When I text someone and they don't text back, I automatically assume that they fainted in excitement! — Abhishek Tiwari Copy Share Image
“...What do you do with all your money?" "Me and the French hoard gold.” — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know! — J. K. Rowling Copy Share Image
“Do you have any old copies of Dickens? Bookseller: We've got a copy of David Copperfield from 1850 for $150. Customer: Why… — Jen Campbell Copy Share Image
They tie dog to the pole.. So they dont move. Thats how I feel When someone sitting with cellphone attached to a… — Priyanka Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
When a girl says 'Whatever' she really means; I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark,… — Blondie Copy Share Image
Research has revealed that you can actually fall in love with your own wife if some other man describes her to you... — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I thought it would be really funny to find my way onto 'The Bachelorette' somehow and be the guy that is only… — John Wilson Copy Share Image
I'd been involved with stand-up before improv, so I already thought highly of myself as being a funny person. I never thought… — Matt Besser Copy Share Image
The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
Love is an awesome feeling that makes you feel so good that you'll cheat on your wife. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
The entire universe is perfused with signs, if it is not composed exclusively of signs. — Charles Sanders Peirce Copy Share Image
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know how to perform a sketch that you don't find funny. You just couldn't do it. — Matt Lucas Copy Share Image
My bikini told me to hit the gym but my sweatpants said nahh girl you good — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke.. ..that truck is now known as Optimus Prime. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Liam, you know I adore you, right?' 'Well, that's nice-' 'Go away.” — Rebecca Yarros Copy Share Image
The better we feel about ourselves, the fewer times we have to knock somebody else down to feel tall. — Odetta Copy Share Image
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Anything that has more of Graham's guitar playing, I'm bound to like. — Jonny Greenwood Copy Share Image
Ever look at your ex and thought 'Was I drunk during our whole relationship?' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The people I choose to work with, I work with because I'm already impressed with them, you know? — Jon Brion Copy Share Image
And the Lord said unto John 'Come forth and receive eternal life' But John came fifth, and won a toaster. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It was as close as I had ever come to having power over someone, and I equated it with love. — Jill Ciment Copy Share Image
“Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
