Teacher: Turn off your phone! yeah right, like that's gonna happen. *Puts on vibrate — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm an American, I don't have to see something to know it's stupid! — Tommy Smothers Copy Share Image
This Canada Day, I'd love to go out for some traditional Canadian cuisine if there was such a thing. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply.… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games… — Norman Chad Copy Share Image
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to… — Louie Anderson Copy Share Image
You asked what is the secret of a really good sketch. And it is a sketch is a small play. It's got… — Harvey Korman Copy Share Image
“She takes out a piece of paper that looks like the list I gave her months ago. Smiling her Hayley smile, she… — Becca Ann Copy Share Image
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. . . . he didn't lose your number. .… — John Wayne Copy Share Image
“It's true. Goodfellow is monogamous. he's become a freak. A pervert. Depravity on the cloven hoof." "Or his balls fell off," suggested… — Rob Thurman Copy Share Image
I don't get why gyms have mirrors...I know what I look like. That's why I'm there. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Of all knowledge the wise and good seek most to know themselves. — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
Females will argue with you for 30mins , then be like I ain't even gonna argue with you. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
I wish we could ctrl...alt...delete parts of life we don't particularly like. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I watch mostly documentaries and things that aren't remotely funny. — Christopher Guest Copy Share Image
Well, social media is a funny thing. It can be absolutely wonderful, and it can absolutely work against you. — Karrion Kross Copy Share Image
Nothing is necessary except God, and nothing is less necessary than pain. — Joseph de Maistre Copy Share Image
That we devote ourselves to God, is seen In living just as though no God there were. — Robert Browning Copy Share Image
“Afore me! It is so very late, That we may call it early by and by.” — William Shakespeare Copy Share Image
I admit it guys in v-necks look sexy af. But when it goes all the way to his belly button...Nigga u gay!… — Alexia Copy Share Image
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. — Bart Simpson Copy Share Image
When I was kid, 'You're not invited to my party.' was the worst insult ever. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
“I have found the secret KEY to success... All I need to do now is... To find the DOOR...” — Nelson M. Lubao Copy Share Image
I'm not saying she's a slut, but if her vagina was a video game it would be rated E for Everyone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear and dearest Vegetarians, if you want animals to live, why do you eat their food. — Babloo Copy Share Image
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. — Hippolyte Taine Copy Share Image
I'm going to open up a store next to forever 21 and call it finally 22 — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
