Funny Quotes · Page 586

Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.

— Hussein Nishah

You are a coward when you even seem to have backed down from a thing you openly set out to do

— Mark Twain

The world makes you something that you’re not - but you know inside what you are.

— Geena Rocero

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

— Sam Smith

Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico.

— Harry Caray

My eyes aren't big! I have a small skull! My brain barely fits inside it!

— Tong Fo

Everybody has a story. And there's something to be learned from every experience.

— Oprah Winfrey

My brain won't stop thinking about you, because my heart won't stop wanting you. Fuck, I need to move on.

— Anonymous

“...I guess I can put two and two together." "Sometimes the answer's four," I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...”

— Dashiell Hammett

The funny thing is, I sometimes get the impression that some people outside of the field think that there's some element of…

— Brian Greene

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

— Ron Richards

You know your childhood is pretty much over when you fall asleep on the couch, and wake up on the f*cking couch.

— Psyche_Zeroh

Hate when I'm around old people in they say pull up them pants...I can see your ass...im like damn bitch u dont…

— IG:caonte_2_funny

Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die…

— George Mikes

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How…

— Frank Carson

In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.

— P. J. O'Rourke

You are brave... when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

— Nikhil Saluja

Freedom is not only bought with a great price; it is maintained by unremitting effort.

— Calvin Coolidge

At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage.

— John Andrew Holmes

My days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

— Anonymous

“She picked up a handheld grenade launcher, cradling it like a baby.”

— Kimberly Derting

Grades don't define intelligence and age doesn't define maturity.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

— Bo Burnham

Where peace And rest can never dwell, hope never comes, That comes to all.

— John Milton

I know he is younger than me, but I absolutely love Zac Efron. His hair is always so pretty.

— Lauren Conrad

Most things that are politically right are morally wrong

— Lupe Fiasco

Final Destination 5...well someone doesn't understand the meaning of 'Final'.

— Anonymous

What I was saved to is much more important than what I was saved from.

— Aiden Wilson Tozer

It is better to prepare and prevent than it is to repair and repent.

— Ezra Taft Benson

“Oh, I love you, June, I really do. It's just that you sounded so...twat-ish just then.”

— Red Tash

“I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.”

— E.L. James

“Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle—and mine just got stolen.
”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

— Kristen Schaal

The shortest horror story: The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

— Anonymous

The gospel is an exclusive truth but it's the most inclusive exclusive truth in the world.

— Timothy Keller

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

— Woody Allen

Dude lets watch a scary movie after the movie dude walk me to the bathroom

— Unknow

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is…

— Tim Vine

Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.

— George Bernard Shaw

Hey Steve, no offense, but if you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.

— Charles Barkley