I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business. — Wanda Sykes Copy Share Image
Boys, Women are easy. Tell them they're pretty. Compliment some shit. Fuck them like you hate them. Easy. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD! — Eddie Izzard Copy Share Image
John Ford was so funny that I couldn't wait to go to work in the morning. — Richard Widmark Copy Share Image
“No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.” — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
Accept that some days you’re the bug, and some days you’re going to be the windshield. — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
Out of all the airports that are out there only about 5 percent have commercial service. — Chris Brown Copy Share Image
My parents were funny. My brothers were funny. We just laughed and had a good time. Growing up, it breeds that. It… — Kym Whitley Copy Share Image
“What we do and what we take seriously can often be so far removed from what it is actually all about that… — Richard Templar Copy Share Image
It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all… — Lady Victoria Hervey Copy Share Image
“I'd feel a whole lot better about the two of us if you didn't think I was the go-to guy for breaking… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
Never argue with idiots. Because First they bring you to their level and then they beat you with their experience. — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
I have close to 300 pairs of shoes. I'm fortunate enough to be in a position to get any shoes I want.… — Chumlee Copy Share Image
Mission impossible: not eating a french fry on the way home from the drivethru. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Girls worry about the things Guys forget... Guys always worry about the things Girls remember — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The more false we destroy, the more room there will be for the true. — Robert Green Ingersoll Copy Share Image
The injuries that befall us unexpectedly are less severe than those which are deliberately anticipated. — Marcus Tullius Cicero Copy Share Image
Why is there a show calledWhen animals attack? It shouldbe called When stupid people go near dangerous animals. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In the vast majority of businesses, there is simply no such thing as ‘the best,’ — Michael Porter Copy Share Image
That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. — John Wayne Copy Share Image
A surprise party is a great way to show your wife how awesome you are at lying to her face. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Some would have us believe that God is present everywhere. It is not so — Brigham Young Copy Share Image
I didn't like where I once was, so I promised myself I wouldn't be back there. — Ray Lewis Copy Share Image
A police officer asked me where I was between 4 and 5? I said kindergarten. — Kayla Knight Copy Share Image
Teachers call it Go to the bathroom. We call it I'm bored,I'm gonna go wander around school. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Diet rule 1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I love to just get in the booth. Put some tracks down. I’m basically Rihanna. — Kate McKinnon Copy Share Image
For all the girls that say ¦.. All guys are the same ¦¦ Who told you to try them ALL. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dont complain about the snow on your neighbors roof when your own doorstep is unclean. — Confucius Copy Share Image
Anything you do has a still point. When you are in that still point, you can perform maximally. — Joseph Campbell Copy Share Image
Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. — Parker J. Palmer Copy Share Image
