Funny Quotes · Page 497

I'm not just random. You just don't think as fast as me.

— Anonymous

“I said alone!” He nodded in agreement. “Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.”

— Kresley Cole

Mom: Stop lying to me! Me:Tooth fairy, easter bunny and santa *walks away like a boss*

— Brookie

Oh, so you wanna argue ? BRING IT, I GOT MY CAPS LOCK ON !

— Anonymous

Beautifully-acted and precisely observed, ILO ILO is an amazing debut, full of heart and intelligence.

— Ang Lee

I knew nothing about farce until I read Puce a l'Oreille, and had no idea what a deadly serious business it is.

— John Mortimer

May your Halloween be scarier than what's actually going on with our country.

— Anonymous

Turning a negative into a positive is an expressway to success.

— Robert Evans

Seriously, I don't know when exactly that UFO landed & dumped all these stupid people, but they apparently aren't coming back for them.

— Anonymous

I would take away my fear of nude dorfs. I feel like I'm missing out on allot of life experiences. Just with…

— MattG124

To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for 4

— Nikhil Saluja

We live in a funny time. If you don't go corporate, you can't compete. You're relegated as irrelevant. People used to admire…

— Ethan Hawke

Everybody said that a film that funny can't win because normally your Cannes winner will be something more serious. It's not very…

— Claes Bang

That awkward moment when you post a funny status on Facebook and someone has to ruin it by commenting being all serious.

— Anonymous

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

— Andy Borowitz

Being truly aimless is like being dead. It may even be the same thing, or worse. It is the aimless who find…

— Michael Marshall Smith

The odd things that people say to you are so much more hilarious than what you can come up with.

— Jennifer Coolidge

“A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK.”

— Nicole McKay

NASCAR : The most exciting sport for people who have never seen a fucking freeway.

— Nikhil Saluja

All pictures painted inside in the studio will never be as good as the things done outside.

— Paul Cezanne

Your life begins to change when you change something you do every day.

— John C. Maxwell

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

— Adam Ferrara

Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.

— John Berryman

It was Nick Willing's intention to make 'Hatter' as sarcastically British funny as he could.

— Andrew-Lee Potts

A theory may be so rich in descriptive possibilities that it can be made to fit any data.

— Phillip Johnson-Laird

Pessimist: One who has been intimately acquainted with an Optimist.

— Elbert Hubbard

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.

— Garry Shandling

Dear McDonald's Cashier, Don't give me that look... Last time I checked, there was no age limit on Happy Meals.

— Anonymous

After all, we are nothing more or less than we choose to reveal.

— Sylvia Plath

It's funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.

— Karl Iagnemma

“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?”

— Rebecca Murphy

If we were good at everything we would have no need for each other.

— Simon Sinek

Student, tell me, what is God? He is the breath inside the breath.

— Kabir

I'm [going] through a mystified period of my life, where the more I learn, the less I know.

— Jean Louis

“Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.”

— Michael Bassey Johnson

Reading text messages while half asleep is like looking into the sun.

— Ritu Ghatourey

Only man had dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.

— Ronald Knox

The goal is to be the observer of your thoughts and not let your thoughts control you.

— Deepak Chopra

One must work, nothing but work, and one must have patience...

— Auguste Rodin

Delete me... Like most of y'all who can't handle what I have to say :') Dont got time for any of y'all.

— Anonymous