If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We're so insecure, comedians. 'Did you laugh? Do you think I was funny?' — Julian Barratt Copy Share Image
BOY: hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: good job son!...GIRL: daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: (loads shotgun) — Ana Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when... You hear a joke in someone else's conversation & accidentally laugh. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I only snatched him to get your attention,” I said. “Now that I’ve got it, this is what I want.” “Damn my… — Kim Harrison Copy Share Image
Me: why am I so fat? Me: *eats a snack* *eats dinner* *eats everything in fridge* *eats car* *eats family* *eats the… — Jugi Steady Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
Me and this chicka are tight like glue! love her so much! she makes me laugh like ive only got a few… — Vanity_LEO Copy Share Image
The tricky thing becomes: Do you know yourself well enough to then portray that on screen? And for me, I find that… — Joel Edgerton Copy Share Image
When I want to watch a TV show with my parents past my bedtime, my mom always sends me to bed no… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir. — Samuel Goldwyn Copy Share Image
I am a little afraid of giving people advice for fear that they might follow it. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders. — Thomas Fuller Copy Share Image
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed. — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
Funny, I think that the only reason I'm compared to Prince is because of my skin color. — Velveteen Dream Copy Share Image
Amiability is very often a weakness, but the most unobjectionable one as a rule. — Sydney, Lady Morgan Copy Share Image
You have to change on the inside before change will happen on the outside. — Joel Osteen Copy Share Image
Keep your friends close and your alcohol closer. Then get drunk and insult your friends. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny — Dan Povenmire Copy Share Image
I think I gravitate towards people who express themselves in a simple and funny way. — John Slattery Copy Share Image
“Is a joke truly funny when we laugh at it, or is it merely some aberration of our frontal lobe?” — Gerald Schroeder Copy Share Image
The path may not be left for an instant. If it could be left, it would not be the path. — Confucius Copy Share Image
No, indeed; I don't know anything. You see, I am stuffed, so I have no brains at all. — L. Frank Baum Copy Share Image
If you talk about what you believe, you will attract those who believe what you believe. — Simon Sinek Copy Share Image
A candle burns to give brightness while a woman burns to brighten your life/personality. — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
My road to success is blocked by a huge rocks obstacle with a big sign that says 'Twitter.com' — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
There's nothing cute or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. — Douglas Coupland Copy Share Image
Do I Look like a grocery item to you?ÿ?ÿ? I see you checking me out!! — Generose Relano Copy Share Image
