If there is anyone who owes everything to Bach, it is certainly God. — Emile M. Cioran Copy Share Image
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Bitches b like long hair dont care known damn well they shit shorter than a Instagram video — IG:Catone_2funny Copy Share Image
Funny enough, you know who I used to really like in Lion King? It was Scar. — Burna Boy Copy Share Image
OK, thank you Yoshi. Between you, Vladimir, and Maryse, I won't understand a word this entire season. — Matt Striker Copy Share Image
Blanket On - Hot Blanket Off - Cold 1 Leg Out - Perfect … Until The Demon From Paranormal Activity Grabs It… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When everyone gets something for nothing, soon no one will have anything, because no one will be producing anything. — Charles Koch Copy Share Image
People love to throw stones at me, and I get it. It's fun to make fun of me, because I put myself… — Wendy Williams Copy Share Image
My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't… — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
This is one of those mornings where I'll be picking the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms and throwing the rest away. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
You meet somebody on a bus or something, and they say, 'Thank you for the World Cup; it was so good to… — Jerome Boateng Copy Share Image
“His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage?… — J.R. Ward Copy Share Image
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Priapism is what happens when someone gets strangulated to the point of hypoxia. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
A sign of intelligence is to see the One in many and find the many in One. — Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Copy Share Image
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, HENPECKED, A man who is so timid, he is even afraid to talk back to other people's wives — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Its funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you cant tell when someone likes you. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Not all detectives are the same - some play bad cop, some are awkward, some are funny. — Juliette Lewis Copy Share Image
There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it. — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
If there is no absolute by which to judge society, society is absolute. — Francis Schaeffer Copy Share Image
“When you exclude anything that is improbable, whatever is left, is not as hilarious.” — Oleg Medvedkov Copy Share Image
The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there. — Andy Borowitz Copy Share Image
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
He who makes great demands upon himself is naturally inclined to make great demands on others. — Andre Gide Copy Share Image
True holiness is not achieved by what we do, but what we allow God to do in us. — Mark Hart Copy Share Image
If you can't control your reproduction, you can't control your life. — Joycelyn Elders Copy Share Image
When someone says wow you are a pervert , look at them, smile & say it took you this long to figure that out? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs. — Maureen Johnson Copy Share Image
