Funny Quotes · Page 495

Hasn't seen a spider around the house in days. WHAT THE F*& ARE THEY PLANNING?

— Arjun Loveable

I don't get mad I jus get money, laugh at you fuck niggaz cuz ya so funny.

— Young Jeezy

“Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert”

— Josh Stern

I've waited all my life to say this... I weigh less than Elizabeth Taylor!

— Totie Fields

It's the things that we know FOR SURE, that just ain't so, that get us into trouble.

— Wayne Dyer

Relationships were meant only for two people; unfortunately for some of us, math is not our favorite subject.

— London Mond

Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get up your fucked!

— Anonymous

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of…

— Steven Wright

Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do? Back off…

— Russell Baker

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you¦ But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,…

— Anonymous

“Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping. All the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I have…

— William Shakespeare

“Our neighbors were so excited when a black family moved in that they got them a welcome basket with the first three…

— Flynn Meaney

I was the one who was always scowling, downcast. I tried to make sure I looked like that when I was getting…

— Johnny Ramone

“Dan moans behind me, reminding her of the problem. She straightens in fear at the sound of his voice, peers over my…

— Jasinda Wilder

I always felt like I sucked at everything, that I could never find the thing that I liked. I auditioned and I…

— Jennifer Lawrence

Comedy is an ability to observe and see what's funny in a situation and be able to forget yourself enough to do…

— Madeline Kahn

When you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, it's either a new car...or a new girl!

— Anonymous

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

— Robert Benchley

I swapped my neighbor's newspaper with last years newspaper from the same date. He didn't even notice!

— Green Monk

Talking with an atheist is like trying to reason with someone who denies the existence of the sun.

— Ray Comfort

I contemplated my greed for peace. And I did not seek tranquillity anymore.

— Ajahn Sumedho

We would rather be anywhere, as long as we are somewhere. We would rather be anyone, as long as we are someone.

— Fred Wah

Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed.

— Norman Cota

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Has found his/her favorite machine at the gym: the vending machine!

— Ritu Ghatourey

God and I both knew what it meant once; now God alone knows.

— Cesare Lombroso

I hope I shall never see the day when the Force of Right is deprived of the Right of Force.

— Winston Churchill

Recreate the world in your own image and make it better for your having been here.

— Ray Bradbury

You're at Starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before.

— Anonymous

A translator is to be like his author; it is not his business to excel him.

— Samuel Johnson

Making modern games funny would be easy as pie if it was anybody's goal to actually make a funny game.

— Doug TenNapel

If you're uncomfortable around my dog, I'm happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.

— Anonymous

If you really want your friends to remember you, give them something cheap.

— Anonymous

Considering we met online, I feel it's totally appropriate to break up with you over email.

— Anonymous

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.

— Bill Burr

Men are paid, not merely for what they know, but more particularly for WHAT THEY DO WITH THAT WHICH THEY KNOW.

— Napoleon Hill

Democracy is not something we have. It's something we do.

— Doris "Granny D" Haddock

There's always faith... Faith that whatever the other is doing, it's for a good reason.

— Peter Burke

“That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself.”

— Cecily von Ziegesar

After I saw Jimmy [Hendrix] play, I just went home and wondered what the f*** I was going to do with my…

— Jeff Beck