Funny Quotes · Page 350

S.o.b.e.r.= son of a bitch everythings real.

— Anonymous

You can start your day over anytime.

— Dani Shapiro

One who has loved truly can never lose entirely.

— Napoleon Hill

A punch to the face is life's DM.

— Green Monk

I would like to look funny on screen, doing comedy.

— Fahadh Faasil

Nobody can succeed on their own.

— Sheryl Sandberg

A day that I don't learn something new is a wasted day.

— B. B. King

“A woman is a funny animal.”

— James M. Cain

Sorry Tim Tebow will just be another good-looking rich guy in New York City who won't have sex with you.

— Anonymous

LOVER(S), A person who could only be more perfect if your partner turned into a pizza at 4:00 am

— Nikhil Saluja

When it comes to sex and phone calls, I have mastered the art of keeping them under a few minutes.

— Nikhil Saluja

Unfortunately we have tried to establish Right by Might, and you just can't do that

— Anonymous

My girlfriend says I can't focus on two things at once...guess she hasn't noticed me staring at her boobs

— Amit Verma

Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

— Anonymous

That one shampoo bottle that's always empty in your shower yet nobody throws it away

— Anonymous

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

— Johnny Carson

Consider what you have in the smallest chosen library: a company of the wisest and wittiest men that could be picked out…

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

— Daniel Tosh

“Sometimes it seemed that he'd said six or eight funny things in his life, and that what passed for his sense of…

— Richard Yates

A Winning Horse doesn't know whats wining He only runs in pain given by his rider So whenever you're in pain think…

— Green Monk

Voice actors I used to know who were starting out in comedy were guys who did a lot of voices. They were…

— H. Jon Benjamin

When I'm on the set at 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,' of course the content isn't funny, but the other actors…

— Stephanie March

I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola

— Anonymous

Players like Didier Drogba, going to watch him play and seeing him off the pitch as well, I got to see how…

— Tammy Abraham

There are evils worse than death,

— James F. Cooper

What God cares about most is that we are His friends.

— Pope Francis

I cannot do it without comp[u]ters.

— William Shakespeare

If we don’t cannibalize ourselves, someone else will.

— Steve Jobs

My statements are just a statement of fact.

— Nancy Pelosi

I know, I've never had boobs before!

— Olivia Wilde

My Ex-Wife was very hot. She died in burning car.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

— Milton Berle

“I've had years to see the funny side.”

— Derek Landy

Don't expect others to do your work for you.

— William Safire

That was in the past - we're in the future now.

— David Beckham

If you don’t jump, the wings never come.

— Bruce Coville

If you think you can't, why think

— Dee Hock

I'll save that for Mrs. Battier.

— Shane Battier

I certainly dont have any airs about myself.

— Jamie Farr

Words divide, pictures unite.

— Otto Neurath