The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My 'check engine' light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Robert Pattinson must be the only guy in the world who enjoys his girlfriend being on her period. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That moment when you lose all respect for that person you use to like... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The older I got, the more willing I was to go into the Southern vernacular, because some of it's funny. — Keith Jackson Copy Share Image
If I had my hand full of truth, I would take good care how I opened it. — Bernard le Bovier de Fontenelle Copy Share Image
I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
“Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?" "I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing,… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I… — Madeline Kahn Copy Share Image
“I told you that the moment we started letting females into our group, they'd be nothing but trouble.' 'As far as I… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
We would write our songs, then we'd have a programmer come in and add, for lack of a better term, bloops and… — Tony Kanal Copy Share Image
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
I think the desire to be funny was a mixture of wanting to be liked but also wanting to throw your elbows… — Paul Rust Copy Share Image
