I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Did you ever eat a whole box of cookies right in a row? Did you ever do that? I don't mean take… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*ck off. What good is a goddamn… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
