I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
