I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.' — Louis C. K Christianity Copy Share Image
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me. — Louis C. K Alone Copy Share Image
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of… — Louis C. K Cinema Copy Share Image
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself. — Louis C. K Diet Copy Share Image
There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
How do women still go out guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I was raised by a hard-working single mother, so my first role model was a woman. My only caretaker was a woman,… — Louis C. K Community Copy Share Image
I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause… — Louis C. K Alone time Copy Share Image
What we've done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It's not even real any more. You used to be able… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a… — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.' — Louis C. K Boss Copy Share Image
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find… — Louis C. K Being selfish Copy Share Image
I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and… — Louis C. K Being Copy Share Image
In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed... into my mouth. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Comedians and Feminists are natural enemies. Because stereotypically speaking, feminists can't take a joke and comedians can't take criticism. — Louis C. K Comedian Copy Share Image
I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business. — Louis C. K Autonomous Copy Share Image
When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to… — Louis C. K Absolutes Copy Share Image
I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered.… — Louis C. K Comedy Copy Share Image
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to. — Louis C. K Fame Copy Share Image
We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make… — Louis C. K America Copy Share Image
I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing.… — Louis C. K Best father Copy Share Image
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and… — Louis C. K Care Copy Share Image
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. — Louis C. K Life Copy Share Image
My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like… — Louis C. K Dad Copy Share Image
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff. — Louis C. K Cameras Copy Share Image
If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they… — Louis C. K Hate Copy Share Image
I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
