Jay Leno

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

— Jay Leno

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.

— Jay Leno

Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!

— Jay Leno

Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.

— Jay Leno

It's not called cocaine any more. It's now referred to as Crack Classic.

— Jay Leno

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

— Jay Leno

Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

— Jay Leno

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

— Jay Leno

China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's…

— Jay Leno

Of course, Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. But then Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin…

— Jay Leno

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.

— Jay Leno

I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify…

— Jay Leno

Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning…

— Jay Leno

My favorite Halloween candy is the candy corn. It comes in four colors: white, yellow, orange, brown. Those are also the stages…

— Jay Leno

You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his…

— Jay Leno

Actually, the University of California says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought the University of California was a…

— Jay Leno

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he…

— Jay Leno

Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking…

— Jay Leno

There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he…

— Jay Leno

While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government…

— Jay Leno

Did you see those Iraqis making that pilgrimage slashing their foreheads with knives and whipping their backs with chains. See, when Saddam…

— Jay Leno

Supporters of Osama bin Laden want to rename the Arabian Sea after bin Laden's death. They want to call it "Martyr's Sea."…

— Jay Leno

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press…

— Jay Leno

President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did…

— Jay Leno

They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.

— Jay Leno

My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.

— Jay Leno

I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it - 'Roots.'

— Jay Leno

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

— Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

— Jay Leno

I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

— Jay Leno

Did you see Walker's father? 'My son loves America.' Yeah, like O.J. loved his wife.

— Jay Leno

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

— Jay Leno

The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.

— Jay Leno

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.

— Jay Leno

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

— Jay Leno

Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.

— Jay Leno

It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.

— Jay Leno

Contact with the customer is what business is all about.

— Jay Leno

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.

— Jay Leno

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?

— Jay Leno