You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. — Erma Bombeck Comedy Copy Share Image
Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. — Erma Bombeck Coincidence Copy Share Image
There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'. — Erma Bombeck Asking for forgiveness Copy Share Image
A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a… — Erma Bombeck Age Copy Share Image
Given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
For some unexplained reason, it's always the other end of the table that's wild and raucous, with screaming laughter and a fella… — Erma Bombeck Comedy Copy Share Image
The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding… — Erma Bombeck About family Copy Share Image
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the… — Erma Bombeck Giving Copy Share Image
“I try, but somehow I am always the woman in the wrong line. Lines are like a foreign language. You have to… — Erma Bombeck Foreign language Copy Share Image
With boys you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane. It's all there. The fruit flies hovering… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket. — Erma Bombeck Child Copy Share Image
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone. — Erma Bombeck Certainty Copy Share Image
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love. — Erma Bombeck Baby Copy Share Image
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Our teen-agers withdrew to their bedrooms on their thirteenth birthday and didn't show themselves to us again until it was time to… — Erma Bombeck Adolescence Copy Share Image
Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to… — Erma Bombeck College Copy Share Image
What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give. — Erma Bombeck Giving Copy Share Image
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it… — Erma Bombeck Clothes Copy Share Image
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. — Erma Bombeck Birth Copy Share Image
If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. — Erma Bombeck Birthday Copy Share Image
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18… — Erma Bombeck Children Copy Share Image
There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness,… — Erma Bombeck Apathy Copy Share Image
With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
...I remember thinking how often we look, but never see...we listen, but never hear...we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships… — Erma Bombeck Alive Copy Share Image
I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I read one psychologist's theory that said, "Never strike a child in your anger." When could I strike him? When he is… — Erma Bombeck Anger Copy Share Image
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
