Dov Davidoff

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

— Dov Davidoff

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

— Dov Davidoff

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

— Dov Davidoff

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

— Dov Davidoff

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

— Dov Davidoff

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

— Dov Davidoff

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

— Dov Davidoff

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

— Dov Davidoff

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

— Dov Davidoff

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I…

— Dov Davidoff

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

— Dov Davidoff

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

— Dov Davidoff

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a…

— Dov Davidoff

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

— Dov Davidoff

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to…

— Dov Davidoff

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

— Dov Davidoff

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

— Dov Davidoff

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

— Dov Davidoff

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

— Dov Davidoff

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

— Dov Davidoff

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

— Dov Davidoff

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

— Dov Davidoff

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

— Dov Davidoff

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

— Dov Davidoff

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

— Dov Davidoff

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

— Dov Davidoff

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

— Dov Davidoff

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so…

— Dov Davidoff

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

— Dov Davidoff

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

— Dov Davidoff

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was…

— Dov Davidoff

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people…

— Dov Davidoff

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

— Dov Davidoff

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

— Dov Davidoff

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served…

— Dov Davidoff